


Hiding the habit

by SassySenpai



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, M/M, Self-Harm, Yurio remains in Hasetsu AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2018-12-07 11:05:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 28,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11622249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassySenpai/pseuds/SassySenpai
Summary: Yuri Plisetsky never had a 'normal' life. With both parents out of the picture and a childhood spent more often on the ice than in a classroom, growing up was hard. Constantly commuting between his grandfather's house, Yakov's house and the home of any member of team Russia that would take him, no one picked up on Yuri's odd habits. Following the move to Hasetsu to train among Yuuri Katsuki under Viktor Nikiforov, the pressures placed on the teen mount up and Yuri deals with his emotions the only way he knows how.AU Yurio stays in Hasetsu/ Viktor trains both YurisTRIGGER WARNING: self-harm/ mental health issues. read with caution.





	1. Chapter 1

'Yurio! Are you up yet?'

Yuri groaned, covering his face with his pillow to drown out Katsuki's calls, 'yes, stop shouting, piggy'

'Ok, sorry, just remember we have training at 8am', Yuri could hear the slight hurt in Yuuri's voice but chose not to feel remorse for his sharp tongue. He was 15, he was in control of being able to get out of bed in time for training.

Selecting one of his many long sleeved black shirts, Yuri quickly dressed and made his way down to the Katsuki family's kitchen. Hiroko was at the stove, tending to a protein-rich breakfast she was preparing for both Yuri's. Spotting Yurio, she gave him a warm nod. Her english wasn't spectacular but she still tried her best to make the teen feel welcome.

'Ohayo', Yuri yawned, taking a seat at the kitchen table. Hiroko beamed, returning the greeting and placing the plate of yakizakana infront of Yuri. Yuri didn't particularly enjoy the grilled fish served up on training days, but at least it would set him up for a rigorous day- that, plus he didn't have to cook it himself. Soon Yuuri joined him at the table too, thanking his mother for breakfast.

'How are you finding the agape routine, Yurio?' Yuuri asked, sprinkling pepper on his breakfast, 'it looked good yesterday'.

'The routine is fine, it's the theme that is shit', Yuuri was relieved his mother didn't speak English and missed the curse.

'At hot springs on ice you expressed unconditional love as what you feel for your grandfather, right Yurio?'

'Can stop calling me by that name?', Yuri spat, 'besides, I bombed that night, I can't express unconditional love', he groaned, frustrated at Yuuri's unnecessary attempts at conversation.

'Oh, sorry Yuri. Well, love doesn't have to just be for a person, it could be for a passion- like skating', Yuuri suggested.

Yuri ignored the advice and continued picking at his breakfast, 'what, like how for you eros is pork and rice?' he smirked.

Defeated, Yuuri sighed, 'I'll see you at the rink then, Yuri. Arigato, mama'.

Yuri was relieved, he didn't want to have to walk the 15 minutes to ice castle with Katsudon and hear his crappy optimistic view on things. Finishing up and handing his plate to Hiroko, he grabbed his bag and left the onesen.

************************************************************************************************************************************************

'Don't take it to heart, Yuuri', Viktor said reassuringly, 'I've known Yurio for years, he's just... bold in the way he speaks to people- i'm sure he didn't mean to be insensitive'.

Yuri, standing just outside the door to the rink, over-heard the conversation between the older skaters. He pushed down the slight tinge of remorse he felt and kicked open the door.

'Good-morning Yuri!' Viktor called cheerily, keeping up a joyful persona despite the hangover pulsating in his head from the night before. Following hot springs on ice, he spent half the night drinking at Minako's. 'Hurry and get your skates on, we've got a lot to get through today'.

'Hmm', he agreed, 'I need to redeem myself; you'll never beat me again, piggy', he directed himself at Yuuri.

Viktor laughed, 'that's the spirit'.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

'Yurio, your jumps are far superior to any other skater of your age, I'd say they're better than mine when I was 15...' _egotistical bastard_ , 'however, you're not listening to the music; have you seen how Yuuri becomes one with the music? I need to see that Yuri'

Yuri grimaced, Viktor's favouritism was more than apparent. 'I don't like the music'.

'I know, and that's why I gave it to you. You have to change the person you are based on what music and theme you are given, look how Yuuri...'

'Would you stop using the damn pig as an example?' Yuri bellowed, his voice reverberating around the rink, '...sorry'.

'No, no, it's ok', Viktor sighed, 'perhaps you should take the rest of the day off Yuri, you seem over-worked, take some time to listen to the music, yes?'

Yuri nodded. Usually he'd argue and insist on staying but really, all he wanted to do was get in the hot spring, then crawl back into bed.

Noticing his rink mate removing his skates, Yuuri skated over to Viktor, 'is he alright?'

'Yes, I've told him to go home. I think he needs rest- may explain the outbursts he's had recently', Viktor explained, 'let's continue, we need to improve that quad sal'.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************

The hot springs were packed when Yuri arrived back at the onesen. There was no way he'd share a bath with strangers. He mentally thanked the Katsuki family for having an in-door western bath as he added hot water.

Laying down in the bath, the water was so hot it almost hurt- perfect. Resting his head, Yuri let his eyes shut for just a minute. Opening them, his line of vision was directed at his left arm. He sighed- taking in his handy work from years gone by. Teethmarks, jagged lines; some raised, purplish scars that were fading well and a few bruises- they were the most recent. It had been months since Yuri last pierced his skin; looking at the markings reminded him of the relief he would feel once he'd done it; the oddly relaxing vision of blood seeping down his arm and the way his whole body would feel lighter. He shook his head- trying to get the thought out of his mind. He didn't even realise he was digging his nails deep into the flesh of his arm- pulling away, he gasped, noticing the puncture marks he had left. One of the marks dribbled the tiniest amount of blood that dripped down his arm and plopped into the bath water, disappearing on entry. Yuri watched, fascinated, urging the wound to weep more. As another drop of blood dribbled down his arm, he let out a relaxed sigh. It was ok- it was just an accident.


	2. Chapter 2

_'Yurotchka'_

_'Grandpa?'_

_'You've let me down, Yurotchka'_

_'What? How?'_

_'You don't feel unconditional love for me- you let that failure of a figure skater beat you'_

_'No, Grandpa, I do love you, it's just...'_

_'You left me, an old man alone in Moscow, so you could live in luxury in Japan'_

_'It's not like that'_

_'I could die tomorrow and you wouldn't care'_

_'I would, you're all I have left, Grandpa'_

_'You're a selfish child, Yurotchka, no wonder your mother didn't want you'_

Yuri shot up in bed, breathing heavily, cold sweat plastering his hair to his forehead. He heaved a sigh of relief and collapsed back onto his pillows. _Just a dream..._

 _Since when do I get so worked up about a routine? This isn't like me._ Checking his phone, the time read '03:55'. Yuri groaned- he was wide awake and didn't imagine the possibility of falling asleep again anytime soon. Almost as soon as the thought hit him, another one joined: _remember what you used to do to help yourself fall asleep?_ Yuri shook off that thought straight away. 

Getting up, he quietly made his way to the bathroom, tiptoeing quietly passed Viktor's room. Looking in the mirror, he noticed the extent of his fatigue: eyes dull with dark bags beneath, skin paler than usual and hair a total mess. He splashed cold water on his face in an attempt to reduce the clammy feeling. Viktor's disposable razor was lying on the counter.

_It'll just be this once Yuri_

No, he can't.

_You were always so talented at removing the blades_

He could just do a few- no one would ever know- he could do it where no one would see it

_Come on, Yuri_

Slamming down the toilet seat, Yuri sat down and got to work on removing a blade. His hands were shaking, making it that much harder to work on the small razor. He felt fresh sweat trickle down his brow in anticipation. Finally... a blade popped out. It was small, but it would do the trick. Riding up the leg of his boxer shorts, Yuri selected a piece of skin on his thigh, gently placing the blade to it. Closing his eyes, he gave it a quick swipe. The pain was sharp and resided quickly to a light sting. Looking down, Yuri watched as blood beaded at the site. It was relieving. But he needed more. Another swipe, this time he watched. The result was deeper and the blood beaded quicker. Yuri had to quickly reach for toilet paper to stem the bleeding before he stained the Katsuki's bathroom tiles. 

 _'I'll limit myself to 2 more'_ he promised himself as he went in for another, this time, dragging the blade at a slower rate. The wound looked similar to the first but the pain was greater and more drawn out. Last one... he scraped the blade across his thigh almost all the way to his knee. He didn't realise he was holding his breath until he suddenly exhaled and a light-headed feeling came across him. Quickly wrapping a couple of layers of toilet paper around his thigh, Yuri worked to place the blade back into the razor as inconspicuously as possible. In his haste, the razor broke in 2, leaving Yuri with no choice than to dispose of the whole thing and act dumb if Viktor ever asked him where it went. Deciding the bathroom bin was too obvious, Yuri crept downstairs, chucking the razor in the kitchen bin and covering it well. No one will know, it's fine.

Arriving back in bed, the time was '04:21'. Yuri was tired, too tired to kick himself for what he'd just done, he could do that in the morning.

**********************************************************************************************************

It was gone 11am when Yuri finally got bored of hitting the snooze button. It was his day off so he didn't really need to get out of bed anyway. Pulling off his covers, he noticed the toilet roll stuck to his leg and the memories of the night before came flooding back. He quickly peeled back the paper, praying it was just a dream, but the crusty scabs left proved him wrong.

'Shit', he said instinctively.

'Ah, Yurio, you're alive?' Viktor joked from outside the door, clearly he was walking passed and heard the cuss. Yuri quickly covered his legs in anticipation of Viktor entering his room.

'Uh, yes, sorry, I-I didn't hear my alarm', Yuri stammered.

'No problem, Yuri. It's your day off anyway', Viktor said, surprised to hear the word 'sorry' was in Yuri's vocabulary.

Hearing Viktor's footsteps fade away, Yuri sighed in relief, smacking himself in the face with his pillow.  

Entering the kitchen for a late breakfast or early lunch, Yuri found both Viktor and Yuuri at the table, sharing a cup of green tea. 

'Ah Yurio, you weren't in the bathroom anytime last night were you?' Viktor asked. Yuri felt his hard skip a beat. _Stay calm, so what if you were? Everyone needs to piss._

'Maybe, I'm not sure. I don't know about you, Nikiforov, but I don't keep a diary of every shit I take', Yuri cringed, it sounded a bit defensive. 

'Haha, no. I just appear to have misplaced my shaver', he shrugged, 'ah well, it was getting blunt, I should probably buy a new one anyway'.

Yuri just smiled awkwardly, _that was close..._


	3. Chapter 3

It was a week later. Yurio was standing beside Viktor outside the rink watching Yuuri rehearse his short program. He hated himself for enjoying the program- Katsuki was embodying eros better and better everyday yet he wasn't feeling agape in the slightest. As the music came to an end and Yuuri froze in his ending position, Viktor clapped enthusiastically, 'yes, Yuuri! That was fantastic'.

Yuuri was breathing heavily as he came off the ice and accepted a bottle of water from Viktor gratefully. Yuri knew he was a superior skater, but he could never have the stamina to end a routine with a quad. 'Alright, your turn, Yurio'. Yuri sighed, removing his skateguards and giving the rink a quick lap before settling into his starting pose. 

'Yuri- I want you to make every jump a single', Viktor called, 'don't think about the technical elements, just focus on agape. Take a minute to clear your mind, give me a nod and i'll start the music'.

Clearing his mind felt impossible; there was so much to think about- 'you know the program, you don't need to think about the choreography when you're skating it, Yuri'

It was true- he'd skated agape more times than he could remember- his body would skate it for him- he just needed to use his mind to think about agape-  _to think about Grandpa._

Taking a deep breath, Yuri gave a soft nod and the track begun. 

_'Yurotchka, you were the best out of the bunch'_

_'Grandpa, can you come to practise again tomorrow? I can skate even better'_

_'You've made me so proud'_

_'I've qualified for junior worlds, Grandpa'_

_'You'll skate for your old Grandpa today, yes Yuri?'_

_'I'm going to be the youngest gold medalist in the senior men's division'_

_'That's my Grandson'_

_'You've grown so much'_

It was over- it felt almost like Yuri had accidentally hit the fast forward button- it was all a blur. _Did he even skate? Was he standing still like a complete idiot the whole time?_

He turned to Viktor and Yuuri, they were staring in awe; mouths agape. (a/n: best pun award goes to me)

'What? Was it that bad?' Yuri felt blush heat his cheeks.

'No... Yurio, it was... it was agape!' Viktor gasped, 'it was perfect'

*****************************************************************************************************************

Yuri was rewarded that evening with a large bowl of Katsudon. He didn't deserve it- he only achieved what he should have achieved weeks ago. 

'We need to start looking at free programs soon', Viktor announced, 'Yakov had some music all ready for you, Yuri, so he's allowed me to choreograph to that'

'Hmm', he acknowledged through a mouthful of pork, 'what's the music?'

'It's a piano solo; quite fast and demanding so it should suit your style'

'Ok'

At that moment, Mari walked in, a look of stress etched across her face. 

'Yuuri, the hot springs closed to the public 15 minutes ago but there's a couple of guests still in there. You're polite- can you get them to leave, please?'

'Oh, sure', Yuuri cringed, eliciting a laugh from Viktor.

'Be brave, zolntse'

Yuri fancied soaking his aching muscles in the hot springs- he'd head down there once Yuuri confirmed all the guests had left. 

****************************************************************************************************************

He changed quickly, despite being alone he still hated being naked for any longer than necessary. Removing his boxer shorts, he caught sight of his thigh. The cuts from last week had been joined by a few new ones: some deeper than before. The first few were fading nicely though so it would be ok. 

Quickly opening the door, the night air hit Yuri and he shivered, his body anticipating the warmth of the hot springs. 

The relaxing pool only remained relaxing for about 5 minutes, that was until Yuri heard 2 familiar voices. 

'Who was your old coach again?

'Celestino, he's working with Phichit at the moment'

'Ah yes, your friend with all the instagram followers'

'Haha, yes'

'Tell me about this song you were- Yurio! Hi!'

'And I thought I'd have a relaxing bath tonight', Yuri muttered, grateful the steam from the springs would mask the clear water; keeping his thighs out of sight. 

'Don't let us stop you- besides, this is the perfect opportunity to talk about skating!' 

'Is there anything else you ever talk about?' 

'Makkachin?'

Yuri groaned. 

Viktor removed his towel with a flourish, dipping his toes into the water; leaving Yuuri to de-robe more conservatively. 

_It's ok- just wait till they leave_

Yuri didn't like to spend too long in the water; he had better things to do. However, today would have to be different. He couldn't risk leaving the hot springs in front of Katsudon and Viktor in fear they may spot his leg. It didn't take long until Yuri was feeling the affects of sitting in a hot-spring for too long: he could feel his cheeks redden and his fingers wrinkle. 

 _Hurry up and go_ he mentally urged the others, but they were talking so happily, it appeared they had no intention to leave anytime soon.

'Yurio, how long had you been here before we arrived? Did Mari warn you not to stay in too long?' Yuri's breath hitched. 

'Oh, yes, no, she did. I arrived practically a minute before you. I'm ok', Yuri stumbled through his words.

'Alright, just be careful', Yuuri warned, earning an eye roll from Yuri.

'Whatever, piggy'.

A few minutes later and Yuri's lightheadedness was increasing tenfold. It was coming to the stage where either he'd have to leave and risk exposing himself, or he'd pass out and end up exposing himself anyway. Deciding the former would be the better option, Yuri coughed, interrupting the conversation going on opposite.

'I'm, uh- going to bed', he announced

'Sure, sleep well, Yurio'

'Don't forget we're going to do some stamina training tomorrow morning, be up by 8am'

'Yeah, ok', Yuri replied, not truly hearing what was just said to him. He sidled over to the stairs, cautious to get out quickly but not quick enough as to draw attention to himself. Thank-fully, Viktor and Yuuri returned to their conversation almost immediately and Yurio was able to leave inconspicuously.  

Falling onto his bed, he couldn't help himself but laugh. He couldn't risk the hot springs again. 


	4. Chapter 4

It was 4 o'clock in the afternoon and Yuri had several missed calls from Yakov. _What does that geezer want?_ He mentally calculated the time in Russia in his head and came to the conclusion it was probably an ok time to call back. Yakov answered after a few rings.

'Yuri', he sounded a little solemn, not his usual tone. 

'What's wrong?' Yuri replied, his brain instinctively coming up with the idea that an old rink mate back in Russia had had an accident or worse. 

'I had a phone call from the FFKKR', Yakov explained, 'they refuse to name me as your coach if you aren't training here in Russia under me'

'Shit', Yuri cursed

'I suggest you come home immediately and we begin choreographing' 

'Choreographing? But Viktor's choreographed me both a free and short program and-'

'I know that but the rules have changed this year and the FFKKR said at least one program must be choreographed by the skater's coach'

'What kind of shit rule is that?' Yuri spat, quickly trying to work out how he can timetable in the hours necessary to come up with a whole new routine. 

'I've found you an aeroflot flight that leaves tomorrow evening at 9pm'

'But there's 2 weeks until skate America, I'll never perfect a routine by then'

'It's either this or I am no longer technically your coach'

The line went silent. _Yakov was one of the best coaches in all of Russia- he couldn't just drop him. Viktor wasn't a real coach; he had more of a chance with Yakov. Then again... he was improving tremendously with Viktor..._

'Yuratchka, there isn't much time to deliberate, I have to book the-'

'Thank-you, Yakov', Yuri sighed, his mind was made up, 'but I have to stay in Japan'

'You understand what this means, Yuri?'

'This is my debut in the men's singles devision, I can't go out with a thrown together program; plus... Viktor isn't all that bad of a coach', he hated himself for having to say the latter.

Yakov let out a low sigh, 'last time to change your mind, Yuri'

'My mind is made up, I'm staying in Japan'

'You can't come crawling back to me when you realise you have a mediocre coach'

'I understand'

The disappointment was evident in Yakov's voice. With a few parting words, Yuri ended the call. 

_Yakov had won him gold at the Junior worlds... was it wrong to just dump him now? He might never take Yuri back after this? And what if he doesn't win gold now? Yakov will be able to say 'I told you so' and the whole of the skating world will laugh at his decision to be trained under an amateur coach._

Yuri could feel his heart-rate increasing, he had to win or he'd let down not only himself but Viktor, his Grandpa, Russian and Yakov. The pressure was too much. The walls of his room felt like they were shrinking every second- he needed to escape, just for a minute. As he got up his head was spinning, the rushing in his ears was increasing, numbing any other sounds. Throwing open the door, he broke free into the corridor, only to crash straight into Yuuri. 

Yuuri laughed, amused, that was until he noticed the look on Yuri's face, 'Yurio, are you feeling alright?'

'Fine, just, get out of my way, piggy', he gasped, finally exhaling the breath he'd been holding for the past minute. He tried to push passed but Yuuri took a firm hold of his shoulders, 'I said move'

'No', Yuuri said simply, 'let's sit down, come into my room'

Yuri didn't have the energy to argue, he felt like his knees would give way at any second so took up the offer without another word.

He hadn't been in Katsuki's room yet; it was incredibly clean, quite plain; it summed up the skater quite well. 

'Just take a couple of deep breaths, we won't talk until you can speak properly', Yuuri said, sitting down at his desk, giving Yuri some room. 

'I'm fine', Yuri blushed, humiliated at himself. 

'What happened? Did anything provoke that?'

'Yakov', Yuri said, accepting the bottle of water that was being handed to him by Yuuri, 'he called me to essentially tell me he can't be my coach anymore'

'Oh, Yurio, I'm sorry...'

'Shutup piggy, it's not your fault', Yuri groaned, 'it's my fault for coming here- I owed Yakov so much for getting me a gold at Juniors but I just dumped him'

'He knows how grateful you are though, doesn't he? I left my last coach, Celestino, for Viktor, but he didn't mind because it was what was right for the skater'

'Maybe I should tell him thanks I guess', Yuri mumbled, he was never good at thanking people for things. 

'It might be a good idea. But, Yuri, have you had one of these attacks before?' Yuri asked seriously

'I- well, not really', Yuri wanted nothing less than to discuss anxiety with Katsuki. He wasn't weak- Katsuki was the weak one. 

'It's ok to say yes, Yurio'

'Not for a long time', it was half true

'Just know that if you ever feel that way again, you don't have to hide it, you can talk to me... or Viktor if it's easier to explain yourself in Russian', Yuuri patted Yuri on the shoulder and he surpassed the usual cringe he feels when people touch him. 

'Thanks', he said quietly, 'I better go'

 

*******************************************************************************************************************

Humiliated, Yuri made his way to his bedroom. _Now Katsuki thought he was weak- he'd probably tell Viktor too and then Viktor would think he's weak._ _Idiot._

On the way he passed Mari and Viktor having a conversation in the hallway, '...if it had been another- ah, Yurio! Perhaps he will go for you'

'Huh?' 

'Oh Yurio, could you? We need a few supplies from the supermarket down the road, unfortunately the hot springs is so busy none of the family can really leave right now', Mari explained. Yuri shrugged, it would be good to get out of the house for a bit.

'Da, just give me a list', Mari beamed, removing the pen from behind her ear and writing down a few items on a scrap piece of paper. 

'Here, I've put my phone number at the bottom too incase you need any help', she explained, 'thanks a lot, Yurio'.

It was a cool evening, the breeze was nice against Yuri's face as he made the short trek to the local supermarket. After finding the majority of the food requested on the list, Yuri found 'screwdriver' at the bottom. Deciding not to question why a screwdriver is necessary for running a hot springs, he found the aisle with tools and scanned each shelf. One item caught his eye- it was one of those art knives with blades so sharp it could cut paper like it was hot butter. Before he even had time to deliberate, the knife was in his shopping basket.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I don't think people with anxiety are weak in the slightest- this is just a character trait I think Yuri would have


	5. Chapter 5

Yuri dumped the groceries on the kitchen table and made his way upstairs; his mind too busy to acknowledge Mari's calls of gratitude. The art knife tucked safely away in the pocket of his hoodie, he hurried into his room. 

His heart pounded in morbid excitement as he removed the tool from it's packaging and admired it's perfectly sharp edges. He couldn't use it yet though- not when everyone is still around and could walk in on him at any moment. Scanning the room for the most inconspicuous place he could hide it, Yuri decided the desk draw was the best bet- hidden under a couple of letters. He took a moment to stare at the item, knowing that the next time he would see it, he would be putting it to skin. 

*********************************************************************************************************

Throughout dinner Yuri was restless, fidgeting and forcing himself to eat the large bowl of Katsudon in front of him, despite adrenaline diminishing all hunger inside of him. Viktor was talking enthusiastically about a new workout program he'd structured for both Yuri's. 

'You see, what Yuuri lacks in strength, he makes up for with stamina, whereas it's the other way around for Yurio', Yuri inwardly cringed at the nickname- _he wasn't sure he'd ever get used to it._ 'Yurio has fantastic technique but his stamina levels mean that he cannot perform quads late on in his routines like Yuuri does'.

'So, you've made two different workout programs?' Yuuri asked

'Quite right', Viktor clapped his hands together excitedly, 'Yurio's will be a high energy- cardio based workout in comparison to yours, Yuuri, which will focus on improving strength and posture'

'That sounds good, doesn't it, Yurio?' 

'Sounds fine. When are we starting?' Yurio asked, his mouth full of rice. 

'Tomorrow morning, 7am outside Ice Castle', Viktor announced. Both Yuri's groaned at the early start. 

'Come now, I didn't win five grand prix's from staying in bed all morning', Viktor teased. _Arrogant bastard._

**********************************************************************************************************

Anticipation and adrenaline kept Yuri awake that evening: he needed to be sure Yuuri, Viktor, and the Katsuki family were asleep before he got started. The clock ready 11pm. The last door had closed some time ago- it would be fine. 

Tip-toeing out of bed and to the desk, Yuri felt his hands shake as he pulled open the drawer and removed the blade. Relaxing himself on the bed he took a look at it- _what would the best technique be? Should he use the top or the sides?_

Interested to discover the amount of effort he'd need to put in, Yuri experimentally touched the blade to the skin on his arm, just below his elbow, dragging it across. The new blade created a line that beaded instantly, threatening to spill down his arm. Yuri shot up immediately, cupping the wound to stop it from staining the white bed sheets. Luckily the tissue box on his bedside table was full and he was able to reach it quickly. Dabbing at the cut, Yuri mentally kicked himself- _why would he do it on his arm? At least it's hidden on his thighs._

Shaking off the mistake, Yuri rolled up the right leg of his boxer shorts and continued- exploring different techniques: seeing which ones bled the most and which ones caused the most pain. By the time he was finished, he'd used 10 tissues and his leg was still weeping. The cuts were slightly deeper than before but it was certainly taking a lot longer for the bleeding to stop. Pushing hard on the wounds for a couple of minutes seemed to fix the problem though. Collecting the soiled tissues, Yuri decided the safest place to dispose of them was in the bathroom. Rising from the bed, he felt an instant head rush and had to put his hand out on the desk to stop his body from falling to the ground. Giving his frame a second to get used to the change in gravity, Yuri placed the knife back in it's hiding place, stuffed the tissues down his shorts and shuffled quickly to the bathroom. Chucking the tissues down the toilet and flushing, Yuri finally was able to feel fatigue. 

On return to his bedroom, Yuri was asleep before he could even remember closing his eyes. 

**********************************************************************************************************

The next morning, Yuri awoke to what he could only describe as a hangover. Sure, as a kid of 15 he hadn't had one before but the real thing couldn't  be much worse than this. He felt lethargic, heavy and like his skull had been smashed at with a hammer. 

He took a minute to question why his alarm had awoken him at 6:30 in the morning, but was quickly reminded of Viktor's announcement at dinner the night before. Groaning, he threw of his covers, only to be greeted by an alarming amount of blood staining his boxer shorts. Panicking, he jumped out of bed and checked the sheets for any stains. After a thorough check, he deducted only his boxer shorts had been affected. _He'd have to throw them out- no way would he be able to put them in Hiroko's washing without her noticing and questioning him._

His shower only reminded him of the damage he'd caused last night: the fresh cuts stung under the hot water, dried blood scabbing and peeling off under the heat. He'd only been in the shower for a few minutes when the same lightheaded feeling he'd experienced last night came back. Steadying himself on the wall with one hand, Yuri turned off the faucet; _perhaps he'd just turned the heat up too high this time- no biggie._

Wrapping the towel around his waist, Yuri opened the bathroom door to find Viktor waiting for his own shower. 

'Ohayo Yurio', he sung, embracing the language he was enjoying learning. 

'Good morning', Yurio replied in Russian, holding the door open for Viktor, forgetting about the slash on his left arm. 

'Davai-' Viktor started, before noticing the wound, 'ouch, what happened to your arm, Yuri?'

Yuri instinctively pulled back, but quickly laughed, hiding his growing fear, 'I think it must have been Makka when I was playing with her the other day', he lied easily/

'Oh, sorry!' Viktor laughed, 'she doesn't realise her strength sometimes'

Yuri laughed awkwardly, leaving Viktor to it. Clearly Viktor was oblivious.

********************************************************************************************************

The workout Viktor 'had spent hours deducing' hardly appeared to be the result of hours of thought and effort: quite the opposite. Yurio was required to run up and down the steps of Ice Castle for 15 minutes without rest. Yurio shrugged- it didn't sound too demanding.

He was only 5 minutes in when he heard Viktor shouting, 'you're slowing already, Yurio, you've got to maintain your pace'.

With every repetition, the stairs seemed to grow longer and Yuri's breath seemed to grow shorter. He couldn't humiliate himself by giving up now- he had to keep going. Sucking in a breath, Yuri charged up the stairs, ignoring the ever increasing pain in his chest. 

'3 minutes to go Yurio', Viktor called, as Yuri reached the top for the umpteenth time. Yuri nodded, wiping the sweat off his brow and descending the stairs once again. His body was at it's limit: his breaths were short, more like pants; his legs were feeling heavier and heavier and black dots were starting to engulf his vision. As Yuri began his final descent, he heard Viktor count down...

'10... 9... 8' just keep it together '7... 6... 5' just a few more steps '4... 3... 2...' as his foot met the bottom step, the rest of his body crumpled down onto of itself; exhausted. 

Panting, Yuri rested his head on the ground, trying to regulate his breathing. He could hear quick footsteps above him.

'Hey', it was Viktor, his voice sounding softer, 'are you ok?' 

'...fine', he gasped, reaching his hand out, gesturing to Viktor to hand him the water he was holding. 

'Are you sure? You practically fainted just then', Viktor knelt down, eyeing Yuri with concern. 

Yuri took a quick gulp of water, 'I'm not... not... my best... today', he choked. 

'Are you sick?'

Yuri shook his head, 'no... just... tired'

'Right', Viktor nodded, standing up and offering Yuri a hand, 'you can't go from 100 to 0, you need a cool down, come on'

Shakily, Yuri stood up, supported somewhat by Viktor. 

'Sorry', he murmured.

'It's ok, we'll try again tomorrow'


	6. Chapter 6

Viktor was concerned. He'd planned it out that the 15 minute cardio would be a slow start- building up to 30 minutes by the end of the week. He knew Yurio's stamina should have been strong enough to keep him going for that 15 minute test- so why did he struggle so much today? 

'Viktor?' Viktor's thoughts were interrupted by Yuuri tapping him on the knee. They were sitting together on Yuuri's bed, listening to the newest revision of Yuuri's free skate music. Viktor hadn't even noticed the track had stopped playing. 'What did you think? She added in strings to give the piece a greater climax'.

'Yes', Viktor said simply, truth be told he hadn't really been listening, but he trusted Yuuri's opinion.

'You're thinking about Yurio aren't you?' Yuuri asked, shutting the laptop lid and crossing his legs, turning his body to fully face Viktor. 

Viktor chuckled lightly, 'you know me too well, Yuuri'.

'I'm getting worried about him too', Yuuri said solemnly, 'he's not as fired up as before, he doesn't call me 'piggy bastard' half as much'

'His skating has slipped too', Viktor sighed, 'I forget he's 15 sometimes, maybe the culture shock is hitting him harder than we thought'

'We could do something for him? Cook pirozkis together?' Yuuri suggested. Viktor's eyes lit up.

'Yes! He used to have them every day in Russia: he'd turn up to training with a whole bag of them that his Grandfather made', Viktor explained, 'let's find a recipe'.

****************************************************************************************

Yuri was skimming through instagram when a nostalgic smell hit him- _was it? no, it couldn't be._ He inhaled again- the familiar smell of pirozki engulfed his sense and he followed his nose to the kitchen. 

'Viktor, I think this one's under-cooked', he over-heard Katsuki.

'No, listen, if you tap on the top and it sounds hollow, it's ready'

When Yuri entered he saw the kitchen in an absolute mess; bowls everywhere, leftover pastry splattered on the working surfaces. But most importantly, a table beautifully decorated with priozkis. Yuri gaped, _had Viktor and the piggy really done this all for him?_

'Yurio! We were just about to text you', Viktor called, 'but I guess the aroma of pirozki was just too strong for you to ignore, da?'

Yuri nodded, speechless. Soon the rest of the family arrived and began sitting down at the table. The mess was ignored for the time being and Yuuri and Viktor joined everyone else, sitting either side of Yuri. 

'Yurio, we made this one specially for you', Yuuri blushed, serving Yuri one of the larger pirozkis.

'Davai', Yuri breathed, taking a bite and turning to Katsuki, 'is this?'

Yuuri nodded with pride, 'I noticed how much you like Katsudon so I thought it might be a good idea'

'Katsudon pirozki', Viktor laughed, 'what do you think, Yurio?'

'It's great- thank-you', Yuuri beamed. 

It was only when dinner had finished that Yuri felt strangely empty despite the amount of pirozki he'd consumed. _What did he do to deserve all this? Pirozki isn't easy to make and neither Viktor or Yuuri are particular competent cooks. All he'd done the past few weeks was insult the two of them- now suddenly they were rewarding him. He suddenly felt like crap._

'Oh no', Viktor cried, taking a look at the time on his phone, 'we're missing the trophee de France'

'Go on then, you 3 can go ahead, i'll clean this up', Mari shrugged, knowing if she didn't offer, all they would do is give the dishes a half-assed clean. 

Viktor gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, then hopped away to quickly turn on the television. 

'Aren't you joining us, Yurio?' Yuuri asked, noticing Yuri's reluctance to get up.

'I'm tired, I think I'm just going to go to bed', Yuri said, 'but... thanks Yuuri'

Yuuri wasn't sure if he'd ever heard Yurio call him by his first name. 

'Well, if you're sure. Goodnight, Yurio', he joined Viktor on the tatami matt.

'Yuri's going to bed?' Viktor asked, downhearted. 

'Didn't you notice his mood suddenly change half way through dinner? He was so excited then suddenly he just went quiet'

'I didn't notice'


	7. Chapter 7

Yuri kicked his nightstand aggressively- sending waves of pain through his toes and up into his leg. Throwing himself onto the bed, he silently screamed into his pillow; not bothering to suppress the tears steadily flowing from his eyes. He never cried- even on his worst days he'd never lower himself to the weak state of crying. _Pathetic_. 

He didn't care to do his usual checks, he shoved open the desk draw and extracted the craft knife. Dried blood crusted the ever dulling blade but Yuri didn't care. He couldn't even care to debate which body part would be the safest and most inconspicuous to harm, but just went for the location his mind was screaming at him to torture most. Rolling up his sleeve, he slashed at his lower arm. once. twice. three times. four times. Blood dripped onto the wooden floor but in the moment, it didn't matter. All that mattered was the distraction; the calming rich colour and the sharp, relaxing pain. 

Yuri soon became accustomed to his other senses once the initial rush wore off: he could hear Viktor's obnoxious laughter downstairs; he could smell the metallic blood pouring from his arm; he could see the damage he'd caused. 

'Shit', he cursed, grabbing a handful of tissues and wrapping them around his arm. Bending down, he wiped up the floor before the liquid had time to stain. The blood was quick to stick to the wood and Yuri had to dig at it hard to remove all evidence. Pushing himself up, a familiar lightheaded sensation over-came him and he could hear rushing in his ears. It was stronger than before. If he was going to pass out he needed to hide the evidence first. The tissues. His still visible arm. The blood still trickling from the cuts. Oddly the panic started to fade away... the smell of blood began to fade... the sound of the TV downstairs began to fade... before Yuri even knew it, his entire being had faded and he was on the floor. 

*****************************************************************************************

The first thing he felt was pain. He was lying uncomfortably on the wooden floor of his room, his back felt like he'd just completed a week's training. It took Yuri a minute to comprehend why he had chosen the sleeping space in the first instance, but was soon reminded that it was by no choice of his own. He couldn't have been out for long; the TV was still humming downstairs and it appeared that no-one had come to investigate the crash heard in Yuri's room. His arm was still wrapped up tightly in tissues and with little effort, Yuri peeled it away. It was a mess. Jagged lines littered the thin arms. They were deeper than ever before. They'd take months to heal- maybe even a year. 

Yuri wasn't even sure what led him to this moment. He was angry at himself for being an ass to Yuuri and Viktor; he felt guilty that they did something so nice in return for nothing; but his reaction was so extreme. Even Yuri was surprised by his own actions. He needed to get out of the house. He had a plan. 

Reaching over to his nightstand, Yuri unlocked his phone and searched through his contacts. Spotting 'Yuuko Nishikori' he opened up her number in a message. 

'Hi Yuuko, I know the rink is closed at the moment but I really want to train a bit. Can I pick up the spare key?'

Within seconds of sending the text, the telltale ellipses confirmed to Yuri that Yuuko had received it. 

'If I let one Yuri in, I have to let the other in too!' 

'Yes, but make sure it's ok with Viktor'

'The spare key is with Yuuri'

'And don't do any quads alone'

Yuri snorted. Typical mother. Making his way downstairs, he found Yuuri and Viktor watching the Trophee de France, Makkachin lying across the two of them.

'Yurio, come to join us?' Viktor called, moving closer to Yuuri to make some space for Yuri.

'Actually, if it's alright by you, I was going to head down to Ice Castle for a bit; Yuuko said it was fine', 

Viktor considered the question for a minute, 'I don't see why not, just be sure you don't-'

'It's fine, Yuuko's already given me the lecture', Yuri smirked, 'Katsudon, can I have the key?'

Yuuri nodded, 'it's hanging up beside Makka's lead, the circular one does the main entrance and then the square one gets you into the rink'

'Thanks'.

It was a warm evening: the weather was starting to pick up in Kyushu and the cherry blossoms littered every sidewalk. On the way Yuri took a few atmospheric photos: they'd look good on his instagram later. 

It was a little unsettling arriving at ice castle alone. The lights were all off and the sound of skates brushing the ice was non-existent. 

Placing his phone on the boards, Yuri considered turning on the agape music but then thought against it- sometimes the sound of blade hitting ice sung louder than any composition could. He didn't rehearse either of his programs: he just skated in figure eights, allowing the cool air to flow through his hair. The ice numbed him: physically, mentally, emotionally. He felt relaxed, despite the tears that were rolling down his cheeks. 

Maybe he just needed to cry. 

The tears wouldn't stop falling; Yuri didn't suppress them; he felt somewhat relaxed by them. Skating over to the boards, he leaned against them for a minute and tried to regulate his breathing. A sob was building up inside him and he was too exhausted to hold it back any longer. Sliding down the side of the boards, he sobbed, not caring to wipe away the tears. 

Stuck in his own bubble, Yuri hadn't even heard someone opening the door, he only looked up when he heard a gasp and a cry of, 'Yurio!'


	8. Chapter 8

'Yurio!' 

Yuri jumped- his head snapped over to the entrance and there stood Yuuko, hand covering her mouth.

'Yurio', she repeated, rushing forward, 'are you hurt?'

Yuri hastily rubbed his eyes, 'no', he murmured, embarrassed. 

'Get off the ice, quick, before you get sick', she urged, picking up the skate guards Yuri had left on the boards. Yuri heaved himself up and exited the ice, not daring to look Yuuko in the eye. 

'Here', she said gently, handing him the skate guards and offering him and arm to lean on, 'let's go sit down in the office, i'll make some tea'

Yuri shook his head quickly, 'no, it's ok'

'Please, Yurio', she pleaded, 'I just want to make sure you're ok'

'I'm fine, Yuuko', Yuri said, attempting to walk towards the changing rooms.

'Wait!', Yuuko grabbed his arm and Yuri cringed instinctively. 

'What is it?' Yuuko asked, releasing her grip quickly, 'you are injured aren't you?'

'No, I told you I'm fine', Yuri said, panic rising. Her firm grasp had re-opened the wounds. They were so fresh any slight touch could've done it. He could feel blood hastily trickle down his arm. 

'You're bleeding!' Yuuko gasped

'It's just a small scratch, I'll fix it when I get back', Yuri tried desperately, his heart pumping. 

'Yuri, you don't have to hide it. It was an accident, accidents happen'. _Sure it was an accident._

Yuri's eyes stung as he tried to hold back tears, 'I need to get back'.

'If you don't let me look at you now I'll just make Yuuri or Viktor do it', Yuuko said. _That would mean even more people knew- whatever way he looked at it, it was best that Yuri talk to Yuuko. He could be honest somehow and if he tries hard enough he'll get away with her not looking at his arm._

'Please Yuri...', Yuuko had a hand on his shoulder. Yuri just nodded, afraid that if he opened him mouth he'd just start crying again. 

He followed Yuuko into the office; she gestured for him to take a seat on the couch and she busied herself in one of the cabinets. Yuri winced when she turned around, now holding a first aid kit. 

Yuuko smiled, 'you don't have to be like that, I won't hurt you'.

'Honestly, you don't have to look at it. It's nothing really- quite pathetic really', Yuri tried, gripping the ends of his sleeves tightly. 

'I thought I had talked you into it, Yurio', Yuuko shook her head, sitting beside him on the couch, 'Yuuri and Viktor will kill me if I send you home bleeding'.

'It's not bleeding anymore'

'Regardless, you don't want it getting infected so... jacket off', she commanded. 

_This was it. There was no escape. Yuuko was going to see it. He could hardly say it was an on-ice accident. She'd tell Yuuri and Viktor. Viktor would send him home. Yakov didn't want him anymore. His career would be over._

'Yurio! What's wrong?' his whole body had tensed up, his hands were shaking and he was holding his breath, 'Yurio, breath'.

He exhaled too hard; he spluttered, his chest was tight and stung with each following inhale. 

'Sorry', he coughed.

'Is there something else going on?' Yuuko studied him closely, 'is everything ok back home with Yuuri and Viktor?'

'It's ... fine', his attack wasn't over, the dread still looming. 

'Yurio...' 

'Please, just... let me go home', he sounded so defeated. 

'I can't Yurio, you're- you're scaring me', she answered honestly. 

Yurio sobbed quietly, he couldn't win. 

'Let me clean your arm and then we can talk... or if you really don't want to, we'll talk another day', Yuuko suggested.

'You can't tell Yuuri or Viktor', Yuri stared her down intensely. 

'I won't tell them anything you don't want me to, Yuri', she promised, tapping his knee, 'now show me this 'pathetic' injury'

Yuri sighed, _she better keep her word..._

Yuri unzipped his jacket and removed his arms from the sleeves. 

There was silence.


	9. Chapter 9

There was silence. 

Yuri couldn't look at Yuuko. He could only stare at his own shame. The jagged lines were weeping beads of blood. They looked as erratic as Yuri was in the moment he created them. The silence lasted forever, Yuri had to end it before it ate him up alive. 

'I didn't want anyone to know, i'm sorry...', he couldn't think of anything better to say. He couldn't lie about it now.

'Yuri...', Yuuko's voice was shaky. Yuri finally looked up at her: tears pooled in her eyes. 'Why?'

'I-I don't know'

'How can you not know, Yuri?' a tinge of anger in her voice, 'are you saying you did this to yourself for no particular reason?'

'No, there's a reason I just-'

'What reason?' She interrupted.

'I just... I... I'm not feeling that happy', it sounded pathetic but it was an honest answer. 

'There's other ways to deal with feeling low, Yuri. You should have told someone'. _Easy for you to say._

She shook her head, composing herself; 'we need to clean and dress these before they get infected, have you got any elsewhere?'

'No', Yuri lied. She seemed to believe him. 

Soon the cuts were bandaged up tightly and Yuri could finally slip his arms back into his jacket. 

'I have to tell Viktor about this', Yuuko said. 

Yuri's heart stopped, 'but you promised you wouldn't tell them...'

'That was before I knew this was what was going on', she replaced the first aid kit in the cabinet. 'He needs to know as your coach, Yuri'

'I was doing fine on my own, I don't need anyone to know. Can't you just forget you ever found out?'

Yuuko scoffed, 'of course I can't! Do you understand how I would feel if anything happened to you and I hadn't told Viktor?'

'So what if anything does happen?'

Yuri regretted saying that. 

'Yuri, are you-'

'I didn't mean that', he shook his head aggressively, 'I'm sorry, just please, don't be specific with him...'

Yuuko pondered the request.

'Please, Yuuko. I'll - I'll report back to you and stuff but you can't tell Viktor, he'll send me back to Russia and I won't have a coach anymore and I'll be nothing'

'I will tell him that you have spoken to me in confidence', she begun, Yuri nodded, 'I will tell him that I am concerned for your wellbeing and that I want him to be aware'

'That's fine', Yuri said. _It wasn't but it'll have to do. He'll probably have Viktor down his neck 24/7 but as long as he didn't know the truth._

'Yuri, this is serious...' Yuuko started, 'you're only 15, you have possibly 20 years left to compete in men's singles: why not wait? You can hardly be at your best when you're feeling-'

'I'm competing and that' final. It's the only thing that makes me happy'.

Yuuko nodded sadly, 'I understand'. She stood up, 'It's getting late, let me drive you home'. Yuri agreed without hesitation.

The drive was in silence. It was only a 2 minute journey but it felt so much longer. Both their minds were racing. Yukko's in particular... _Yuri is technically a child, she had a responsibility as an adult to look out for his wellbeing. But should he have to go home to Russia he'll only be more depressed, and without anyone there to look after him, who knows what might happen?_

Pulling up outside the onesen, Yuuko turned to Yuri, 'I'm going to talk to Viktor, I will keep our promise but I need you to keep your half too.' Yuri nodded. 

The two of them entered the Katuski home. The Trophee de France had just finished and Viktor was celebrating Chris' win with a bottle of champagne.

'Yurio!' he called, 'I can't wait to see Chris perform his intoxicated routine at the grand prix final, it gave Yuuri's eros a run for it's money'

Yuri smiled uncomfortably. 

'Yuuko, what are you doing here? Was Yuri trashing Ice Castle already?' Viktor slurred slightly, laughing. 

'No, actually, we were both leaving at the same time and I offered him a ride home. Viktor, could we speak in private for a moment?' She gave Yuri a knowing look, and followed Viktor to the kitchen. 

Viktor managed to sober up enough to sit Yuuko down at the table, 'is something the matter?'

Yuuko sighed and nodded, 'actually yes, it's Yurio... I found him crying on the ice tonight'

'Yurio? Crying? But he never cries', Viktor replied, shocked. 

'I know, it shocked me too. Anyway, I can't really tell you everything he told me because I promised him all he said would be in confidence but... please look out for him, Viktor'

'Ok, can do', Viktor nodded. It wasn't good enough.

'Viktor...', Yuuko spoke seriously, 'I mean it, I'm worried about him. He's just a kid after all, please keep an eye on him'

Viktor seemed to get the message, 'I understand. I'll let you know how it's going. Thanks for bringing him home'.

Yuuko gave him a soft bow and left before giving Yuuri a quick hug. Yurio seemed to have disappeared almost instantly. 

Returning to her car she looked up at the Katsuki house one last time... _she hoped she'd made the right choice._


	10. Chapter 10

Viktor kept a close eye on Yuri during training the next morning. His skating had certainly improved: his jumps were reaching greater heights and his turn sequences were quite stunning. Skate America was just a week away so he and Yuri would be flying over to the states in a few days, leaving Yuuri to practise alone, although Viktor was sure Yuuko and Nishigori would assist however they could. 

'Yurio; I'd like to see your free skate full-out', Viktor announced, beckoning Yuuri off the ice.

'Da', Yuri nodded, throwing his hair back into a bun and adjusting his positioning to his starting pose. Viktor hit the play button and sat down beside Yuuri: concentrating on the performance. 

The free skate took a lot more stamina than his short program; despite them having the same amount of quads, the free skate incorporated more jumps and a more technical step sequence. 

'You're not picking up enough speed on that step sequence', Viktor called over the music, 'you are barely covering the whole rink'

Yuri took the critique on-board, pushing the muscles in his legs to their limits through the next section leading into a quad sal. 

'Better', he heard Viktor shout. 

Viktor could see Yuri's mind was racing with corrections: deciding just to mentally note down anymore, he folded his arms and watched Yuri carefully. 

'He's looking a lot stronger', Yuuri noted. 

Viktor smiled, 'you're right. I won't be surprised if he brings a gold medal home from skate America'

'You think?'

'Oh sure, he hasn't got that much in the way of competition: only JJ has competed in the final before, the rest are fairly young'

Yuri wobbled slightly on a quad toe-loop and Viktor had to suppress calling out a correction. 

'That's a lot of pressure for a fifteen year old', Yuuri said carefully, cautious to not offend Viktor, 'perhaps you shouldn't tell him you expect a gold'

'I've known Yurio for many years, Yuuri', Viktor smirked, 'a little bit of pressure is what fires him up'

Yuri came out of his final turn sequence and held his ending position for a few seconds before dropping to his knees to catch his breath. 

'Good', Viktor commented, 'I think you're more than ready for skate America, Yuri'

'Me... too', Yuri gasped, wiping the sweat off his brow. 

'Take a break while I watch Yuuri's free skate'

Yuri got to his feet and grabbed his water bottle off the boards, 'thanks'.

Making his way to the changing rooms, he decided to go out for some fresh air rather than take his 15 in the sweaty changing room. Swapping his skates out for sneakers, he got to the front desk when he ran into Yuuko. 

'Yurio!' she exclaimed, caught off guard, 'how's practise going?'

'Yeah, good...', Yuri said, he felt a little uncomfortable running into her after last night. 

'I know it was probably playing on your mind all night but don't worry, I only told Viktor what I said I would... he was surprised but he just wants you to be happy', Yuuko placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a soft rub. 

'Thanks', he said, looking away, 'I appreciate it'

'I know you probably don't want to talk about it but it really will help if you do... it doesn't have to be me, I could help you find a counsellor'

Yuri scoffed, 'I don't need a counsellor'

'Yurio-'

'Really, it was a one-time thing', he lied, 'I just got overwhelmed with it all, it won't happen again'

Yuuko sighed, she wasn't getting anywhere today, 'ok, but, you have my number, Yuri...'

Yuri left her and stepped through the automatic doors of Ice Castle. The Kyushu breeze felt warm compared to the cool air radiating from the ice inside; it was coming to the end of the cherry blossom season yet the trees were still decorated neatly with them. _Yuri was going to miss this place when they go to the states._

'Beautiful, right?' Yuri jumped at Viktor's sudden appearance. Viktor let out a hearty chuckle, 'sorry'.

'Aren't you rehearsing Katsudon?' Yuri asked, concerned he was about to be a part of an intervention.

'I'm having him practise quads; Nishigori's in there with him', Viktor explained, sitting down on the wall. 

'Do you miss Russia?' Viktor asked. _Yup, he's trying to get to the bottom of everything._

'No', Yuri replied, 'well, I do miss my grandpa but he lives in Moscow so I don't get to see him anyway'

'Perhaps he can visit Hasetsu sometime soon', Viktor suggested.

Yuri shook his head, 'he wouldn't get on a plane, he thinks he's too old for all that'.

'Do you like it in Japan? I know it's a big culture shock'

'I like it', Yuri twiddled his hair-tie around between his fingers, 'it's pretty; Minako's cool, and Mari and Yuuko'. _Crap, he shouldn't have mentioned Yuuko._

'I had a chat with Yuuko last night', Viktor turned to face Yuri but Yuri refused to meet his gaze, 'she told me she's worried about you'

'She has no reason to be', Yuri shrugged, 'probably just being a mom'

'She said she found you crying last night', Viktor explained softly, 'can you tell me why you were upset, Yuri?'

Yuri was quiet, still distracting himself with the hair-tie.

'It's ok to cry, you know? I cry all the time', Viktor laid a hand on Yuri's knee and he reflexively tensed. 

'I just felt... I dunno, it's stupid', _Yuri couldn't tell him he cried over him and Yuuri making pirozhki. It was pathetic._

'I promise you, I won't think anything you tell me is pathetic', Viktor said earnestly, 'let it out, Yuri'

'Well...', he sighed loudly, 'it's just that, I've been kind of stressed out over this whole grand prix series and I was being an ass to you and Yuuri and then you and him go and make me pirozki despite all that and I just felt so shitty about it'.

'Oh Yurio...' Viktor reverted back to his nickname, 'you don't have to feel bad about that. We did that as much for you as for me; besides, I never thought you were an ass'

'I never really thanked you for that night', Yuri said softly, 'so... thanks'.

'You're welcome', Viktor grinned, 'come on back, let's check on how Yuuri's doing'.

They passed Yuuko on the way back; she gave Viktor a nervous look and he just gave her his trademark wink. _So Yuri had opened up somewhat- it was a start._


	11. Chapter 11

Yuri and Viktor were on-board the flight to Skate America 2 days early; Viktor knew that gaining 14 hours would leave Yuri incredibly jet-lagged and he didn't want that to affect his performance. 

Yuri wasn't particularly looking forward to a 15 hour flight with just Viktor or the thought of sharing a hotel room with him but he didn't have much of a choice in the matter. The Katsuki family had provided them with a feast of a last supper and Hiroko had taken the time to set the couple off with bento boxes for the journey. Viktor had left Yuuri with an extensive list of corrections and pointers and had promised him he would FaceTime every night. Yuri could tell Viktor didn't want to leave the other Yuuri: a pang of guilt resonated through him most of the day. _Had he stayed with Yakov, Viktor would be able to stay with Yuuri. Viktor didn't even choose him in the first place._

'Are you feeling nervous?' Viktor brought Yuri out of his daydream.

'For the competition? A little I guess', Yuri said honestly, 'I haven't competed against seniors before, I don't know what to expect'.

'A bit of nerves is good, I still get nervous', Viktor reassured, 'most of your competitors are only a little older than you anyway: Guang Hong is 17, Leo is 19, JJ is 19...'

'JJ sounds like a prick', Yuri commented, not caring to censor his language in public, 'I've watched him skate online and his cockiness makes me sick'.

'I'd like to say it's all for show but having shared the podium with him at the last grand prix final, I can confirm that it is entirely genuine', Viktor laughed, 'I think it's best you avoid JJ if you don't want to end up in a fight, Yuri'. _Yuri wasn't sure if he was being serious or not- either way, he didn't plan on making friends with Jean Jacques LeRoy._

'Have you spoken to Yakov recently?' Yuri changed the subject.

'Not particularly, why? Are you anxious to run into him?' _Viktor forgot for a minute that Yakov would be there as Georgi Popvich's coach._

'Not anxious, just... it'll be awkward', Yuri felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment, 'I left it with him on the wrong foot, I feel like he's pissed at me'.

'Well, he can't be delighted that he's lost the opportunity to say he coached the youngest senior men's medalist in history', Viktor said proudly, 'I've been handed that honour'. 

'I hope he'll let me talk to him', Yuri ignored Viktor's moment of pride, 'after all, I might need him to coach me again one day'.

'Trying to get rid of me so soon, Yurio?' Viktor teased.

'No',  _But Yuri was sure Viktor wouldn't be too disappointed if he packed up his bags and left._

The plane landed in Chicago around 10am local time although it felt like the middle of the night to Viktor and Yuri. It took some time for them to locate their bags due to the huge amount of people on the flight but eventually they were in a taxi on their way to the hotel.

'I need a nap', Yuri yawned, his body clock begging him for sleep.

'No you don't', Viktor crossed his arms, 'you need to get used to Chicago time if you're going to be in perfect form for the competition; we're going out'

Yuri groaned, 'where?'

'Anywhere- what is Chicago known for?'

'I dunno- pizza?'

'Then we're going out to get pizza'

It was going to be a long couple of days.

 


	12. Chapter 12

It was the night before the short program and Yuri was nervous. Sure, he'd been nervous for some time leading up to the date but now the reality of tomorrow's events hit him and he felt physically sick. Trying to distract himself on his phone was no use as all: his SNS sites were littered with articles about Skate America, predictions and of course, 'good luck' messages from Yuri's Angels. 

'Yuri, I was thinking of going down to the pool for a bit, care to join me?' Viktor asked, searching his suitcase for a bathing suit.  _Of course Viktor would pack multiple bathing suits._

'Not really', Yuri answered. _Honestly, he wouldn't mind the distraction of a dip in the pool but he knew that would only result in him exposing his arm and legs to Viktor._

'Alright then, well, you know where I am if you need me', Viktor winked, selecting the tiniest speedo he could find, eliciting a 'tut' from Yuri. 

The hotel door slammed shut and Yuri was alone for the first time in days. He considered it was pathetic but since coming to Chicago, he missed his craft knife back in Hasetsu. _It was tragic to miss an intimate object but still- this one was different- it was one thing he could control and he held onto that._ Truth be told, Yuri had missed the rush it gave him. It'd been 3 days without a blade to his skin and he felt like what he could only describe as a drug addict going through withdrawal. Rolling up his sleeves, he took a look at the healing marks: he hated seeing them fade, however sadistic it may sound. He enjoyed being able to run his fingers across the skin on his arm and feel the cracks where his cuts lie. 

He began picking at one of the scabs; it was healing well so it took some effort to re-open it. After some work, the scab lifted and Yuri was left with a re-opened cut. It didn't bleed much at all. Only small droplets when he pinched either side- but at least it was something. 

*************************************************************************************************************

Viktor had taken his phone with him to the pool: if he was lucky, one of the tourists may take a photo of him that he could post on instagram. His fans hadn't seen his new bathing suit and he knew it would go down a treat. On the journey down the stairs, his phone buzzed and he was greeted by a text from Yuuri. 

'Hope Yurio's not too stressed out: good luck to you both tomorrow' 

Viktor smiled; he began to type out a reply but changed his mind and gave Yuuri a call instead. He answered after one ring. 

'Viktor, hi!' 

_It felt like months since he'd heard that voice._

'How's it going in Chicago? Is he prepared?'

'Yeah, he'll be great, i'm sure of it' 

'Where are you now?'

'I'm on my way to the hotel pool: Yurio's still upstairs, I think he's starting to feel the nerves' 

'It's a good idea not to crowd him then' 

Viktor hummed in response, 'how's Hasetsu anyway? Is Makkachin behaving?'

Yuuri giggled, 'she's doing great, she's on my lap right now. Oh, she just looked up, I think she knows it's you I'm talking to'

'Put her on the phone!' Viktor exclaimed. He was greeted by soft panting. 'Hey Makka, are you being a good doggy for Yuuri? Yes?'

He heard the sound of licking followed by a 'no Makkachin!' in the background. He laughed- she must have tried to take a bite out of Yuuri's phone. 

'Great, now my phone is covered in drool', Yuuri said sarcastically, pushing Makkachin down. 

'How's practise going?'

'I love how you ask about the dog first, Viktor', Yuuri teased. 

'You know she'll always be my priority... you're a very close second though'

'Haha I know. It's good: Yuuko and Nishigori have been really helpful- I'm landing the quad salchow more often' 

'Good good; keep going till you land it every time, yes Yuuri?'

'Yes, I can'

'Well, I assume it's around 9am back in Japan, you better get going to Ice Castle, wouldn't want to disappoint your coach, no?'

'Not a chance, I'm nearly there actually'

'Ah, well done. I'll talk to you tomorrow, Yuuri'

'Ok, I'll be watching it' 

'Bye' 

*******************************************************************************************************

By the time Viktor arrived back at the hotel room, Yuri was fast asleep. He beamed- Yurio looked so soft and innocent when he was sleeping- Viktor so wanted to take a photo of him as he was. _He'd done that about a year ago and achieved 500,000 likes on instagram. He also got kneed in a sensitive place by Yurio. Perhaps it wasn't the best idea to have a repeat of that._

Instead he sent a snap to Yuuri who replied instantly with an 'awww' followed by a heart emoji.

'Sleep well, Yuri', Viktor whispered, 'tomorrow you'll be a history maker'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg i hate myself for that 'roll credits' moment at the end.


	13. Chapter 13

It was 5 o'clock in the morning when Yuuri got rolled out of bed, down to the sitting room. Skate America was starting at 3:30pm Chicago time and after a bit of effort in the maths department, Yuuri managed to calculate what time he would need to be awake to watch the event. Minako and Yuuko had promised to join him for a showing in the Katsuki house but he wasn't too confident that they'd manage the early start- Minako in particular. 

Switching on the TV and lowering the volume as to not disturb the rest of his family, Yuuri wriggled under the kotatsu and got comfortable. It was the typical 'lead up': commentators discussing their predictions for the event; interviews with coaches and skaters and other necessary plug to boost the air time. It wasn't soon until Yuri's name was mentioned. 

'And of course, all eyes are on Yuri Pliestsky of Russia'

'Quite right, at just 15 years old, he's the youngest competitor to qualify this year; he's been training under 5-time world champion, Viktor Nikiforov...'

The shot cut from the presenters to Yuri and Viktor. Yuri was stretching, his headphones in and hood up in an attempt to block out the press. Viktor was standing a few feet away, watching carefully but keeping his space. 

Yuri's phone buzzed twice; it was Yuuko. 

'Let us in, it's freezing' 

He grinned; _looks like he wouldn't be watching the competition alone._

He opened the door to Minako and Yuuko, both shivering in the early morning air. 'Ohayo', he greeted warmly, earning a pessimistic glare from Minako.

'How's it going? They haven't started yet, have they?'

'In a few minutes, he's in group 2 though', Yuuri explained, 'can I get you both some tea?' 

'Please'

*******************************************************************************************

 

 

'Yuri'

Yuri jumped: he was in the middle of a daydream when Viktor called his name. 

'Guang Hong is at the kiss and cry, you're next'

'Right, yeah...', there wasn't time to get nervous. Yuri bent down and removed the skate guards from his skates; handing them to Viktor. 

'You can win this, Yuri. Let your mind go blank; think only of agape when you're out there' 

Yuri nodded; watching for his cue. 

*******************************************************************************************

'There he is!' Yuuko exclaimed as the camera focussed on Yuri preparing to enter the ice, 'does he look nervous to you?'

'No, I think he's just... thinking', Mari had joined them at this point.

'Come on, Yurio', Yuuri willed, empathetic nerves stirring in his stomach. 

When he first took off for a quick 'once around' the rink the crowd was screaming louder than they had all day. Yuuko, Minako and Mari couldn't help but applaud too. 

Settling into position, Yuri took one final look at Viktor: he was wearing a look of determination- Yuri gave him a nod, he wouldn't let him down. 

*******************************************************************************************

By the time the last skater had performed, Yuri was in 2nd place. Comfortably too. All 4 occupants of the Katsuki living room were sending 'congrats!' texts to Yuri immediately after the day's results were announced. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh this chapter is shit but i need fillers... the one after the next will be nice and angstyyyyy


	14. Chapter 14

'Yurio! Viktor!' heads turned towards Minako as she loudly called for the pair as they came into sight at the airport's exit. Viktor scanned the crowd for a second before catching Minako's eye and giving her a enthusiastic wave. 'Congratulations, Yurio!'

'Arigatou', he nodded, not entirely happy, 'I guess it's good to have something to improve on'

'Don't be ridiculous, you're 15 and you just came 2nd in a grand prix event', Minako exclaimed, patting him roughly on the back. 'Come on, Hiroko and Mari have been working all day to make sure you have the best 'welcome home' dinner possible'

Yuri blushed, 'they really didn't have to'

'Nonesense'

The car journey wasn't long:Viktor sat upfront beside Mari and excitedly relieved all his stories from Chicago. Yuri liked the opportunity to be alone and stretch his legs in the back seat: being offline for the 14 hour flight meant that his social media platforms were all exploding with notifications. People were messaging him as if he'd won the gold- the optimism annoyed him. 

'So Yuri', Minako called to the backseat, 'what are you going to do when Viktor and Yuuri head off to China in a week's time?'

Yuri hadn't really thought about it, 'just train as usual, I expect'

'I've already spoke to Yuuko and she's happy to sit in on your practises and give any critiques she can', Viktor explained, 'according to Yuuri she really knows her stuff, apparently he's made great improvements this week'

'He's right there: the two of them have been watching the grand prix series for as long as I can remember', Minako smiled, 'Hiroko and I always thought they'd make a great couple'

They arrived at the onesen as the sun was beginning to set: before they'd even shut the car door, Yuuri was jogging down the steps. Viktor opened his arms wide for a hug and was delighted that Yuuri accepted it without hesitation. 

'I missed you', Yuuri spoke into Viktor's chest before instantly recoiling, realising what he said. 

Viktor chuckled, 'I missed you too, Yuuri'

Yuuri turned towards Yuri and gave him a smile.

'Don't expect a hug from me, Katsudon', he warned.

'That's alright, Yurio', he snorted, 'congratulations again, here, let me take one of your bags, Mari says dinner is almost ready'

Yuri just wanted to go to bed; he wasn't feeling particularly hungry but the Katsuki family had put so much effort in, he couldn't just reject it. The dinner Mari and Hiroko had prepared was practically a feast: Minako was invited to join the family for the meal but even so, Yuri could predict there was little chance in finishing it all. 

***************************************************************************

'Well, at least we won't have to cook again for the next week', Mari joked, getting up to fetch bento boxes to fill up with leftovers. 

'Would you like any help, Mari?' Viktor asked, folding his napkin. 

'Nah, you two have had a long day, go relax. Yuuri, you can help me though', Mari commanded her brother. Yuuri nodded and begun stacking empty plates. 

'Fancy a dip in the hot springs before bed, Yurio?' Viktor asked, 'I don't know about you but i've missed them so much'

Yurio shook his head, 'too tired for that'

'More space for me then', Viktor shrugged, 'goodnight Yurio, well done'

'Thanks', Yuri was getting incredibly frustrated at all the 'congrats' he was getting for a 2nd place victory- _if you can even call it a 'victory'._

It was great to be back in his room again: it was his own sanctuary and he liked that. He threw his suitcase on the floor- he would unpack tomorrow. 

Skimming through his messages was the worst: every-time he told someone he was disappointed with 2nd, they'd shut him down and tell him not to be such a perfectionist or that 'you're only 15'. People didn't have to agree with him but they could at least understand where he was coming from. Yuri had felt on edge ever since the free skate: before then he had a huge distraction but now his mind felt somewhat empty. He had missed being alone, being able to relieve his needs... Yuri suddenly worried if while he was gone anyone had looked in the desk draw. Hiroko had certainly come in to change the sheets, _but surely she wouldn't have needed to go to the desk?_ Yuri was quickly up and across the room, checking the craft knife was still in it's place. He breathed a sigh of relief seeing it still in it's home- untouched. He reached out and held it in his hand. The plastic was wearing away from the dried blood that was encrusted on it. He'd need to get a new one soon. 

Yuri hadn't particularly thought about harming himself that day, but once the weapon was in his hands, the urge came back like it had never left. After considering his options, Yuri placed the knife in his pocket and headed for the guest bathroom. He locked the door and turned on the shower. Removing his shirt, he placed a generous amount of toilet paper under his arm and then got to work. It was pure euphoria. After 5 days of being surveyed by Viktor 24/7 the release was extraordinary. It had never felt so wonderfully painful. He made 7 new cuts that night. And for the first time- he felt no guilt from it. Maybe a little bit of guilt from wasting water but regardless, for 10 minutes, the stress of the world was gone. 


	15. Chapter 15

It was 2 days later when Yuri began feeling sick. Really sick. 

It had started with just feeling a little fatigued; understandable with the amount of pressures he'd be under, but then it ascended into chills, nausea and a lack of appetite. Yuri couldn't imagine it was a cold: the weather was improving every day in Hasetsu and it hadn't rained in weeks. Yuri didn't want to think about the other option, but he knew that it was a great possibility. Alone in his room, he rolled up his sleeve to inspect his arm: he hadn't bandaged them because he didn't want Hiroko to notice a large quantity of plasters missing from the bathroom. He cringed at the sight: one of the cuts was oozing pus, the wound had swelled significantly too. It must be infected. Yuri was quick to google search how to treat an infected wound and each website had the same answer- a course of antibiotics. Getting antibiotics meant seeing a doctor, and seeing a doctor meant them finding out about his habit, and the doctor finding out meant that his guardian would have to be told. It was out of the question. 

'Yurio', Katsuki was knocking at the door, 'we're sitting down for lunch in a minute, are you coming?'

'Yeah', he called back, he felt sick at the idea of eating anything but if he were to get better he had no choice. 

It was only Viktor and Yuuri downstairs; the rest of the family were too busy working the hot springs. Yuuri was placing 3 identical plates on the table. 

'Sorry it's bento boxes again, Yurio', Yuuri apologised, settling down beside Viktor. 

Yuri shrugged: he couldn't stomach this, he knew it. He attempted to pick at the rice to his best ability; his plate staying almost full while Viktor's and Yuuri's soon decreased in size. Yuuri picked up on Yuri's lack of enthusiasm once he'd finished his own lunch. 

'Yurio, are you not hungry? I can re-heat it if you'd like'.

'Not really hungry, sorry', he said, embarrassed.

'You're not getting sick are you?' Yuuri asked anxiously.

Yuri froze, 'no', he lied. 

'Now you mention it, you are looking quite flushed, Yuri. I think you may have a temperature', Viktor attempted to place his hand on Yuri's forehead only to be shoved away. 

'I'm just not hungry, that's all, ok?' Yuri gritted his teeth, 'I'm out of here'.

Without a look back, he left the room and was back upstairs. He was so out of sorts he missed his door completely and accidentally ended up in the bathroom. Sighing, he took a look at his reflection. Viktor was right- his cheeks and his nose were quite flushed; he had bags under his eyes too- there was no denying he was sick. 

'Shit', he cursed silently to himself. 

***********************************************************************************************

He was woken from a restless sleep by the sensation of nausea. He could feel it coming. Tripping over his own feet in an attempt to get out of bed; Yuri rushed to the bathroom, there was no time to tip-toe past everyone's rooms. Slamming the door shut behind him, he made it to the toilet in seconds. The few grains of rice he managed at lunch came spilling out, joined by a generous amount of stomach acid. He spluttered loudly; it was all coming out so quickly he didn't even have time to breath and he could feel himself choking. He gasped for breath but only began coughing aggressively. 

'Yurio!' it was Viktor. He hadn't bothered to knock on the door, he could hear what was going on. 'So you are sick'.

Yuri shook his head, 'just... ate something... bad', he gasped, his chest heaving. He leaned over the toilet bowl again and emptied even more of his stomach acid into it, 'ouch', he murmured weakly. 

'You don't have to hide being sick from us, Yuri. We could've got you some medicine', Viktor rubbed his back as he threw up more painful liquid. There was a knock at the door and in came the other Yuuri.

'Oh', he sighed, seeing Yuri hunched over the toilet, 'I thought this might be the case when I heard running'

'Sorry for... waking you', Yuri coughed.

'Don't mention it', Yuuri said, 'do you think you're done?'

Yuri nodded and accepted Viktor's outstretched arm. He was wobbly on his feet but Viktor placed an arm around his waist to keep him upright. Any other time he would've fought back but at the time he was too tired and sick. Yuri's submission unnerved Viktor just the slightest as the hobbled back to his room.

'Viktor, help him into bed and I'll get a thermometer and some water', Yuuri said gently, leaving the two of them alone.

Once they were back in Yuri's room Viktor could take a proper look at the kid. His eyes were half-lidded and unfocused, a sheen of sweat on his brow left his bangs sticking to his face and he appeared more flushed than before. This fever had to be at least 101 degrees.

'Yurio', Yuri turned to Viktor, exhaustion clear in his expression, 'how long have you been feeling sick?'

'Couple of days...', he slurred, 'got worse today'

Yuuri entered the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. 'Here', he handed a glass of water to Yuri, 'take small sips, you don't want to be sick again'.

It took Yuri a second to realise he needed to take the glass from Katsuki's hand. Everything took so much longer to comprehend.

After Yuri had cleared the taste of vomit from his mouth, Yuuri popped the thermometer in and waited for the telltale beep. Once it had beeped, Yuuri checked the number... 102.5... not good. 

'That high?' Viktor exclaimed.

'Shhh', Yuuri warned, scaring Yuri would only make it worse.

'Am I going to die?' Yuri said, sounding more like a child than Yuuri had ever heard him.

'No', Yuuri laughed, 'but your temperature is a little high so we better lower it a bit. Viktor, could you fetch a cloth and some cool water?'

Viktor agreed and hurried out of the room.

'Alright, Yuri?' Yuuri noticed how unfocused Yuri's gaze was.

'Just tired'

'Sleep, it's fine', Yuuri soothed, brushing his sweaty bangs out of his face.

'I don't...' Yuri wasn't too sure where he was going with that sentence and just gave up half way through. By the time Viktor had returned, Yuri appeared to be asleep. He handed the cool cloth to Yuuri who placed it on Yuri's forehead.

'I can't work out what's making him so sick so suddenly', Yuuri said, concerned, 'it can't be food poisoning, or else we'd all have it too. He's only ever had meals shared with us...'

'Let's see how he is by morning, if he's still just as bad we'll take him to see a doctor', Viktor calmed Yuuri, 'it'll be alright'

'I hope so...'

'Dedushka...' Yurio groaned in his sleep, '...prosti'

'What is he saying?' Yuuri asked nervously, watching Yuri's pained expression. 

'He's apologising to his grandfather', Viktor frowned, 'I think he's having a nightmare, can you take his temperature again?' 

'Yuri, wake up', Yuuri shook him gently, 'come on, I need to take your temperature again'

'On... Tuesday', Yuri mumbled incoherently- Yuuri _definitely_ needed to take his temperature. 

Viktor pulled Yuri up by the shoulders, forcing him to open his eyes and accept the thermometer into his mouth. 

'102.9', Yuuri shook his head, 'It's getting worse' 

'Do we take him to the hospital?' 

'No, it's not that bad, it might be worth getting him out of this jumper though', Yuuri suggested, eyeing the thick jumper Yuri had cocooned himself in. 

Yuuri attempted to lift the jumper over Yuri's head but Yuri groaned, 'no'.

'I have to, Yuri, you're temperature is too high in that thing', Yuuri argued. Yuri's expression still looked unsure but he was too sick and too tired to fight. The only thing keeping him upright was Viktor's arms around his shoulders. 

Yuuri removed the jumper, leaving Yuri in his shorts. Disgarding the jumper on the floor he turned back to Yuri and his heart stopped. 

'Viktor... his arm...'


	16. Chapter 16

Yuuri clasped a hand over his mouth. Yuri's left arm was completely mutilated: scars old and new running up and down; a large one sporting a significant amount of pus- clearly the cause of Yuri's sickness. Viktor was still holding Yuri up by the shoulders; he followed Yuuri's gaze and stiffened at the sight. His grip on Yuri's shoulders tightened.

'What-what...', Yuuri stumbled, not knowing what to say. 

'What are you doing to yourself?' Viktor spoke quietly, anger lacing his voice, 'Yuri...'

Yuri's head hung low from both exhaustion and humiliation. 

'Why didn't you tell me?' Viktor increased his volume, 'why would you even-?'

'Viktor', Yuuri interrupted him, 'he's-he's too sick to answer coherently right now'

Viktor shook his head, his hands shaking, 'I... don't understand'

'I thought he was a little down but I... oh god, he must've been doing it here', a tear slipped down Yuuri's cheek, 'he was doing it under our roof and I didn't even notice' 

'Shit', Viktor cursed, 'what do we do?'

Yuuri wiped his eyes, 'for now we just need to get him well... will take him to the doctor's in the morning'

Viktor suddenly had a realisation, 'Yuuko...'

'What?'

'What the fuck?' Yuuri had never heard Viktor use such a strong curse. 'Why didn't she tell me? He's just a kid she should have told me'

'Viktor, shhh, you'll wake everyone!' Yuuri warned, 'tell you what?'

'She knew he was doing this. She talked to me before Skate America and said something was going on with him but she couldn't say...', Viktor gritted his teeth, 'clearly he's been doing it even more since then; how could she be so stupid?'

Yuuri cringed; Yuuko was the closest friend he had and it hurt to hear Viktor insult her. 'We need to hear her side of it before we go around accusing her of anything. Here,' he passed the cool cloth to Viktor. 

Viktor lowered Yuri back down and placed the cloth on his forehead. He seemed to have fallen asleep again, although tear tracks were a telltale sign that he'd at least been awake for part of the conversation. 

'We can't leave him tonight', Yuuri whispered.

'I know', Viktor nodded sadly, 'I'm the worst coach ever'.


	17. Chapter 17

It was an hour later. Viktor was sat at Yuri's desk, nervously looking on as Yuuri took his temperature once again. 

'He can't wait until morning...', Yuuri turned to Viktor, panic clear in his eyes, 'we need to take him to a hospital, it's 103.8'

'Fuck', Viktor stood abruptly, 'can you drive?'

'No but Mari can; I'll wake her, you get him ready', Yuuri commanded, leaving Viktor to wake Yuri up. 

Viktor gave the kid a pitiful look: his chest was rising and falling in a laborious pattern, his face sported a pained expression and his shivers were ever increasing to the point he appeared to be shaking violently. 'Yuri...', he whispered, giving his face a gentle tap, 'we need to get you to a hospital, get up'.

Yuri groaned, not moving, 'someone else do it', he mumbled in Russian. 

Viktor frowned, 'no, Yuri... you really need to move', he lifted Yuri's torso from the bed into a seated position where he only fell forward into Viktor's chest. Viktor could feel Yuri's heat radiating through and he cringed. 'Yuri, stay awake for a minute, I'll get you a shirt'. He was too weak to sit up by himself so Viktor placed a few cushions behind his back, propping him up. 

Viktor scanned the wardrobe for a thin shirt and threw it over Yuri's head. 'Do you need some more water?' he asked, spotting how cracked Yuri's lips were looking. 

'Already... drowned', Yuri murmured. Viktor kicked himself for thinking Yuri could provide him with a logical answer and thought against forcing water down his throat. He was too weak- Viktor didn't imagine Yuri would even be able to swallow in the state he was in. 

Yuuri came bounding back in, 'Mari is bringing round the car, is he ready?'

'Yes', Viktor snaked his arm under Yuri's legs, his other under his armpits and lifted. Yuuri frowned at Yuri's lack of fight- his head was handing limp on Viktor's shoulder as Yuuri followed them down the stairs.

'How far is the hospital?' Viktor asked, concern ever increasing by the second. 

'Not close, Hasetsu is too small for our own hospital, the next town along is 30 minutes away', Yuuri bit his lip. He prayed Yuri would hold up that long. 'Sit in the back, keep the window open and try to get him talking, or at least awake'.

Once they were seated in the car, Yuuri begged Mari to break every speed limit. She didn't argue, taking one look at Yuri she knew time was of the essence. 

The car ride was silent besides Yuri's occasional groans of discomfort and Viktor's soothing words. When they finally arrived Mari pulled up at the entrance, 'get him in, i'll be there in a minute'.

Yuuri nodded, no time to thank her. Viktor jumped out of the car, rushing round to the other side to remove Yuri. He threw him ungracefully over his shoulder and marched through the automated doors, followed closely by Yuuri. The waiting room was mostly empty, spare a few people. Spotting the unconscious Yuri over Viktor's shoulder, the receptionist pointed them straight through the door of the ER, paging a medical team immediately. 

Almost as soon as they were through the door, Yuri was removed from Viktor's arms by 2 nurses, another one began questioning Yuuri. 

'Is he allergic to anything?' she asked, pen in hand. 

'Not that I'm aware of, Viktor', he swapped to english, 'is he allergic to anything?'

Viktor shook his head and the nurse ticked a box. 

'Any history of blood clotting disorder?' she asked in english this time, Viktor shook his head as he watched as blood was drawn from the crook of Yuri's elbow. 

'What do you think is wrong with him?' Yuuri asked nervously. 

'We can't rule anything out at the minute so we're taking his blood and getting a sample of the infection to test'

'Test for what?' Viktor asked

'I'll explain it all fully when his results are back. In the meantime, please take a seat outside, we'll call you in once he's stabalised'


	18. Chapter 18

Yuuri and Viktor sat in the seats closest to the door to the ER; ready to jump up the moment a doctor called Yuri's name. It didn't take too long until Mari came bursting through the front door.

'What's happening? Is he okay?' 

'We don't know, they're doing tests right now', Yuuri said solemnly, wringing his hands, 'thanks for driving us Mari...'

'You don't have to thank me for that, Yuuri', she sighed, sitting beside him, 'what happened anyway? You just found him being sick?'

_So Mari hadn't seen the cuts. Now probably wasn't the best time to explain. They weren't the only ones in the waiting room after all._

'He was off all day...', Yuuri explained, 'then tonight he starting throwing up; his temperature was quite high too so Viktor and I stayed for a few hours but it just kept going up...'

'Damn'

'We'll be here sometime, Mari, you can go home', Yuuri tried to sound as polite as he could. 

'But I need to know he's ok, Yuuri', she argued.

'I promise I'll text you but you know what he's like... he won't want to be crowded', Yuuri replied honestly, 'besides, the hot springs don't close because one guest is sick, mum and dad need you awake in the morning'

Mari shrugged, 'you're right there. I'll have my phone on- please let me know any news'

'I promise', she gave them both a quick hug before leaving. 

'You didn't want her to know about his cuts did you?' Viktor asked as soon as the door was shut. 

'No, he doesn't need the whole world to know'

The door to the ER opened up and a young man dressed in scrubs drew eye-contact with Yuuri and Viktor. They both stood up abruptly. It would've been comical had the situation not been so serious. 

'How is he?' Viktor asked, subconsciously asking the doctor to explain in english. Luckily he could...

'We've taken a blood sample and a sample of the infection; while we wait for those to come back we have given him fluids and have managed to lower his temperature', he explained in broken english, 'you are welcome to join him for now'

They both nodded silently. They may not know what is wrong with him yet but at least his temperature is down.

'I should add', the doctor continued, 'we will of course have to discuss the nature of his injury once we have diagnosed and treated any issues he may have'

'Can we see him now?' Viktor said, urgency clear in his voice. 

'Yes, if you will follow me, please...'.

Yuri had been moved to a cubicle- his arm was now wrapped and his left hand was sporting a needle attached to an IV drip. A heart monitor was beating softly in the background and beside it read his temperature. Still a little high, but he no longer risked brain damage from it.

'Oh Yurio', Yuuri sighed, pulling up a chair beside his bed. He appeared to be asleep for the time-being. 

'I should really call his grandfather', Viktor said, 

'Wait until we have a diagnosis; don't worry him unnecessarily' 

'He has something to worry about, regardless', Viktor gestured towards Yuri's arm, 'god, how did I not notice before?'

'We're all at fault, Viktor'

Yuri began stirring in his sleep, his eye-brows knitting. 

Viktor stood up and gently touched his shoulder, 'Yuri?'

His eyes snapped open, only to recoil closed at the bright light, 'what's going on?' he slurred in Russian. 

'You weren't feeling well so we brought you to the hospital', Viktor explained in his native tongue.

'What would you do that for?' Yuri hissed, 'baka...'

'Because you were throwing up and you had a fever and you were shaking', Viktor explained gently, 'you have a pretty nasty infection'. _It wasn't the time to get specific._

'Sorry', Yuri said hopelessly. 

'Are you awake enough for us to speak in english so Yuuri can understand?' Viktor asked. 

'Katsudon's here?' 

'You'll know if you opened your eyes'

's' too bright', Yuri replied in english, at last. 

'How are you feeling, Yurio?' Yuuri asked anxiously.

'Tired', Yuri groaned, 'why'd you bring me here? I just needed to sleep'

'That's not necessarily true'

The same doctor was quick to come back with Yuri's results. Yuuri and Viktor held their breath as he pulled back the curtain holding a clipboard. 

'Ah Yuri, good to see you awake at last. My name's doctor Ito, I'll be looking after you tonight', he greeted politely, 'I have your results here and unfortunately, your infection has developed into septicaemia'

'Septicaemia?' Yuuri questioned, it sounded fatal, 'what is that?'

'Blood poisoning', Viktor and Yuuri looked at him nervously, 'don't worry, I understand it sounds quite scary but it's in it's early stages so we'll easily be able to treat it and he should be home in a few day's time' 

'How will you treat it?' Viktor asked. He noted that Yuri hadn't reacted in anyway whatsoever. 

'A course of strong antibiotics, served intravenously', he explained, 'one of my colleagues will be with you in a minute to fill the line. Do you have any questions, Yuri?'

Yuri shook his head. 

'Alright then', he turned back to Yuuri and Viktor, 'could I speak to the two of you privately for a moment?'

***********************************************************************************************************

Sitting opposite doctor Ito in his office, Yuuri and Viktor predicted what he was about to talk to them about. 

'I'm sure you understand now that the wounds that caused this infection were self-inflicted', he said softly, they both nodded. 'Was this the first you knew of any self-harming tendencies?'

'Y-yes', Yuuri answered, 'we had no idea'

'Don't feel guilty, it's often the case', Ito explained, 'we did a full examination and you should know that he has been harming too on both thighs'

Yuuri suppressed a sob.

'Of course, we are concerned for the boy's mental health. We understand he is a competitive athlete: I imagine the pressures that come into play with this career may cause him stress and anxiety'

'Well, yes, it's a tough world...', Viktor admitted, 'but it's the only thing he has: he has no family barring an elderly grandfather, he doesn't have friends his age either'

'I would certainly have him consider taking a break from competitive skating', Ito suggested, 'also, it's crucial you get him into some form of therapy: I have here a few options for one-to-one counselling and group workshops', he handed the two of them a few pamphlets. 

'Do you have any questions?'

A million and one questions were buzzing around both their heads- none that could honestly be answered. 

'No', Yuuri said quietly. 

'Right, thank-you for your time' 

'Thank-you', Yuuri bowed, leaving. 

Upon returning to Yuri's bedside, he seemed to have fallen asleep once again. Viktor pushed the bangs out of his young face and finally let a tear slip down his cheek. 


	19. Chapter 19

Yuuri and Viktor stayed with Yuri until morning broke. Nurses advised them to go home and rest, that Yuri would be safe alone but both disagreed adamantly. Although most of the hospital staff spoke some English, Viktor feared Yuri would wake up confused and would need someone to speak to in his native tongue. 

'I'm going to call Yuuko', Viktor announced, checking the time on his phone and deciding it was a sensible time for her to be awake. 

'No', Yuuri grabbed his shoulder, 'let me talk to her, please, you need to be here incase wakes up soon'.

Stepping out of the room, Yuuri dialled the ever-familiar number. 

'Yuuri! I was just starting to wonder where you all are: it's gone 9am and you're not at Ice Castle yet, what's going on?' 

'Yeah, we-we won't be coming in today', he said calmly, 'Yurio's sick'

'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that- send him my best wishes'

'No, really sick', Yuuri said seriously, 'we had to take him to the hospital last night, he has blood poisoning'

The line went silent. 'Yuuko?'

'Yuuri, I'm so sorry, I know I should've told you and Viktor', Yuuri could hear she was crying, 'It's been playing on my mind ever since I first saw it and I didn't know what to do'

'Why didn't you say anything?'

'Because Yuri practically begged me not to- he was scared Viktor would send him home to Russia', Yuuko explained, 'and now Yakov isn't his coach anymore he wouldn't be able to compete in the grad prix series'

Yuuri exhaled loudly. 

'I'm so sorry, Yuuri. Can I- can I come down there?' 

'Later on. He isn't awake yet- he doesn't know we know- it might be a stressful morning for him'

'I understand, please call me and let me know what's happening, Yuuri'

'Okay' 

'I'm really sorry, Yuuri' 

************************************************************************************************************

Yuuri returned to Yuri's room, Viktor looked at him nervously, 'what did she say?'

'Sorry, of course', Yuuri sat down beside Viktor, 'he pressurised her not to say anything of course'

'Regardless, he's a kid, she has a duty to tell me that sort of thing', Viktor grimaced. 

'He was scared you would send him back to Russia and he wouldn't be allowed to compete in the grand prix series'

'Maybe he should go back to Russia... just until he gets better' 

Yuri started to stir in his sleep, Yuuri and Viktor watched with baited breath. 

His eyes flickered open and Viktor instinctively leant forward and embraced him in a bone crushing hug, 'thank god, Yuri'. Yuri tensed against his hold and Viktor loosened his grip, 'sorry'.

'What happened?' he was speaking english, clearly he was back in his head. 

'I doubt you remember much of last night', Yuuri explained and Yuri confirmed by shaking his head, 'you had a high fever, you were really out of it, we brought you here and they diagnosed you with septicaemia' 

'I think I remember you telling me that', Yuri racked his brains.

'But now you're awake there's something more important we need to discuss...', Viktor began, tapping his foot nervously. 'Why are you cutting yourself?'

Yuuri was a bit taken aback by Viktor's lack of subtlety. 

'I don't know', Yuri crossed his arms uncomfortably.

'Don't give me that', Viktor tilted his chin, forcing Yuri to look him in the eyes, 'I may understand better than you imagine, just take a breath and explain'.

Yuri gulped, 'It's just... when i'm overly stressed or nervous or angry it takes all the emotion away, I know it sounds stupid' 

'It isn't stupid, Yurio', Yuuri soothed, 'everyone has coping mechanisms you just... haven't chosen the best one' 

'Yuuri, you can't be so soft on him', Viktor interrupted, 'what you're doing _is_  stupid- you've trained hard to have the athletes body you own and you think it's ok to completely mutilate it?'

'It's not like that', Yuri whispered. 

There was silence. 

'Please don't send me home to Russia, competitive skating is the only thing that makes me happy. It'll only get worse if you send me home', Yuri begged. 

'Blackmail me all you want, Yuri. I need to have a long think about this- plus, i'll need to ask for your grandfather's opinion-'

'No!', Yuri shouted, 'please don't call him- he'll be so disappointed in me'

'He's your guardian, Yuuri'

'I know but he's - he's', sobs wracked Yuri's frame, he couldn't finish his sentence. Viktor felt a tinge of guilt and placed an arm round Yuri's shoulder. 

'Sorry', he said, 'I wish I could make it easier'.


	20. Chapter 20

Yuuko arrived an hour later; it gave Yuuri and Viktor time to discuss the next step. Leaving Yuuko to sit with Yuuri for a while, the couple left the room and found themselves a quite waiting area. 

'Listen', Yuuri started, 'I think you need to listen to Yurio's point of view more; he wasn't lying when he said his problems would get worse if he went back to Russia',

'He'd be safer in Russia'

'But he'd also have no friends and no skating, that would tear him apart, Viktor', Yuuri folded his arms, 'are you... scared?'

'Yes, I am', Viktor admitted, 'I wouldn't know how to look after him, I've never seen anyone do this before and I'd be worried he'd do it again'

'He'll be more likely to do it if he was in Russia', Yuuri said, 'think about it' 

'I know, it's true', Viktor sighed, 'regardless, I need to call Nikolai and get his opinion, he may call Yuri home anyway and I won't be able to stop him then'

'Don't call him yet', Yuuri urged, 'Yurio really doesn't want you to'

'I can't not call him Yuuri, his grandson is in the hospital, he needs to know', Viktor frowned.

'Please just talk to Yurio first and see if you can compromise: tell his grandfather that he got blood poisoning because he's not looking after himself well enough', Yuuri begged, 'it's the truth'.

'Why are you so adamant, Yuuri?'

'Because I know how he feels'

*********************************************************************************************************

'Knock, knock', Yuuko called softly, resting on the doorframe, 'can I come in?'

Yuri shrugged, 'you're going to anyway'.

Yuuko settled down on the edge of Yuri's bed, 'I'm sorry this happened to you, Yuri'

'It's my fault' 

'No', she shook her head gently, 'I just wish I had told Viktor about this before it got to this stage, I'm sorry'

'I pressurised you not to tell him, I should be apologising', he said, refusing to look her in the eye. 

'Do you remember I said you could talk to me if you ever felt like doing it again? Why didn't you?'

'Because you'd tell Viktor', Yuri said simply, 'but I guess it doesn't matter anymore... he knows'

'What's going to happen now?' 

'Staying here for 2 days assuming the antibiotics work, then I don't know', Yuri shivered, 'I don't want to go back to Russia'

'I know, Yurio', she smiled sadly, 'you understand that if you stay here, we're going to have to get you professional help'

'I've heard'

'We can find you a Russian speaking counsellor', Yuuko said, 'if that would make life easier for you'.

'I guess' 

'Is there anything else we can do that would make you... stop?' Yuuko couldn't think of a better way to put it. 

'Not really'

*******************************************************************************

'Right', Viktor entered Yuri's room with a strong demeanour of dominance, 'we've come to a decision and we hope you'll agree it's the best plan for all parties',

Yuri rolled his eyes.

'Yurio can stay living in Japan', Yuri felt weight lift off his shoulders, 'but... all members of the Katsuki household must be made aware of his situation, he must see a counsellor once a week and he will undergo body checks every other day'

'Seriously?' Yurio groaned

'Consider yourself lucky', Yuuri warned, 'an hour ago he was set on sending you home to recover'

Yuri hushed down quickly. 'Fine... but, I don't have to tell anyone do I?'

'I will explain the situation to mum, dad and Mari', Yuuri confirmed, 'you just have to worry about yourself, Yurio'.

'I'm going to call your grandfather', Yuri's eyes widened- he thought he had got away with that. 'I won't mention the self-harming. I will tell him that you were not taking care of yourself and you let a cut get infected. That's all'.

'Thanks'

'But you understand, this is only if you continue to work with us and get better. The moment I feel like you're regressing, I'm telling him the truth'

_Viktor had no idea. Yuri couldn't 'choose' to get better. It wasn't like he had much of a choice_ _anyway, he'd have to._


	21. Chapter 21

When Yuri finally returned home to the onesen 2 days later it was a relief. He feared Viktor would go back on his decision and call his grandfather but so far, he was in the clear. He received a warm hug from Hiroko on arrival; however much he would hate to admit it, Yuri didn't particularly mind hugs, especially from those few people who were shorter than him. 

'Yuri, let's go upstairs and dispose of any... tools you've been using', Viktor commanded in Russian, leaving the family unaware. Yuri nodded. He'd grown attached to his craft knife- he hated to see it go. 

His bedroom was as they'd left it; besides the bed which Hiroko had changed. Yuri opened up the desk draw and took one last look at the knife, fishing it out and handing it to Viktor, 'that's the only one'.

'Are you sure?' he asked seriously.

'Yes', Yuri confirmed, honestly. 

'Right', Viktor cringed at the crusty blood lining the blade; _no wonder Yuri got such a bad infection._

'So can I- am I ... free?' Yuri was unsure of how to phrase it. 

'Yes', Viktor seemed to understand, 'do what you want, Yuri'.

Leaving Yuri upstairs, Viktor met the other Yuuri in the kitchen, 'should I have him leave his door open?' Viktor asked. 

Yuuri sniggered, 'it's not like he has a girlfriend up there; no, that's a bit far',

'I feel nervous to leave him already', Viktor admitted, running his hand through his hair.

'I know, but he's been watched 24/7 for the last 3 days, give him a break. Plus, you just removed anything he could hurt himself with, right?'

'True', Viktor attempted a smile, 'shall we tell your parents now?'

'Yes, they're all in the drawing room, it's a good time'

*********************************************************************************************************

'WHERE IS YURI PLISETSKY?'

'ICE TIGER MIA'

'YURI PLISETSKY DEAD AT 15'

The last article in particular made Yuri cringe. He was off social media for 3 days and already sports news stations were assuming him dead- pathetic. His mentions were full to the brim of Yuri's angels declaring themselves on hunger strikes until Yura returned- Yuri rolled his eyes at the idiocy but decided he better alert everyone to his wellness. 

Thinking of an excuse was hard- _'I was sick': but you can still use a phone when sick... 'I was training really hard...': same argument there. Perhaps no excuse..? An excuse may sound like he was covering something up. Yes, he wouldn't mention his hiatus at all. That would work._

He uploaded a snapshot of Makkachin to instagram with a couple of emojis as the caption. It would keep the fans happy for now. Plus it distracted his mind for a minute. He was embarrassed to think about his craft knife. He wondered what Viktor had done with it... thrown it in the bin? Gone further than that and threw it outside. Either way it was gone. Yuri missed it. 

'Yuri! Dinner is in 5', Mari called up the stairs. By now the whole family probably knew. Dinner was going to be awkward; hopefully no one would bring it up. 

'Thanks', Yuri replied, deciding to make himself useful and offering to help serve. He wasn't feeling particularly hungry, probably the effects of the antibiotics, so at least he'd be able to serve himself the smallest portion. 


	22. Chapter 22

At training the next day there were paparazzi outside Ice Castle. They'd been present when Yurio first arrived and during Hot Springs on Ice but besides that, they'd left the skaters alone. Yuri assumed they were desperate for photos following the news he was 'MIA'. Avoiding eye contact with the paparazzi, Yuri hurried up the stairs and into the building, soon followed by Viktor and the other Yuuri. Yuri wasn't training properly today; he was still recovering but Viktor said it was important for him to keep up with stamina with the Rostelecom cup a month away. 

Viktor would be focussing most of his energy on Katsuki that day anyway, the two of them were departing for China in a few days' time and Yuuri was definitely the priority skater. It was Yuri's first time on the ice in a week but he hadn't regressed too much, as far as he could tell. He felt well enough to perform his routines full out but Viktor was adamant that he should be marking jumps for now. 

Yuri had noticed how Katsuki was acting differently today: overly alert and acting just a bit selfish- _maybe that's how he behaves when he's nervous._ Viktor of course was as oblivious as ever. 

'Doing alright, Yurio?' he asked, joining Yuri on the bleachers. 

'Fine, just wish you'd let me skate properly'

'You could've died, Yuri. Give yourself some time', Viktor tutted at Yuri's recklessness, 'besides, the Rostelecom cup is a month away, you have plenty of time'

'I guess' 

'We need to talk about who is going to look after you while Yuuri and I are in China', Viktor said seriously. 

Yuri rolled his eyes, 'I'm fine, I don't need looking after' 

'Yuri...', Viktor warned, 'we need to be sure you are safe'

'I am!', Yuri raised his volume, 'ever since we got home both of you have been down my neck 24/7 and I can't stand it' 

'We're just trying to protect you, Yuri'

'I'm not a child!' 

'Don't you get it?' Viktor stood up, passion brewing in his eyes, 'I feel so guilty for what happened to you and I'm just trying to prevent anything happening again'

'Why the fuck would you feel guilty?' Yuri stood up too, refusing to let Viktor hold dominance, 'I was the one who did it, you have nothing to do with it'

'You're just a kid, you wouldn't understand', Viktor hadn't noticed that Yuuri had stopped mid-routine, distracted by their shouting match.

'I'm 15 you bastard', Yuri spat, 'and do you really expect me to live the rest of my life with you checking on me every 5 minutes?'

'You want to know why I'm always checking on you?' Viktor shouted, his voice reverberating around the rink, 'I'm scared you might kill yourself; accidentally or not, I don't know, but I'm fucking terrified it'll happen'.

Yuri looked at him, shocked. 

Yuuri didn't know Viktor was thinking like that, he was frozen on the ice. 

Yuuko had left her office to see what all the commotion was about. 

'Viktor...', Yuuri started. Viktor turned to him and looked into his worried eyes. 'Please...', he gestured to Viktor to follow him out of the rink. Yuuko took the hint and made her way over to Yuri. 

'Sit down', she said gently. Yuri still looked shellshocked. 'It's ok'.

'That's not going to happen', he said simply. 

'I know, I know', Yuuko soothed, 'he cares for you deeply, Yurio'.

Viktor could only hear the start of their conversation before Yuuri had dragged him into the changing room. 

'Why would you do that?' Viktor had never heard Yuuri sound the slightest bit angry. 

'What was so bad about it?'

'You'll be putting thoughts in his head now', Yuuri palmed his cheek, 'didn't you see the look on his face?'

'Yes...'

'Damnit Viktor, we'll be leaving for China tomorrow and his last memory of you will be you yelling at him'

'He's not sensitive like you, he gets yelled at all the time'

'That's not what I mean'

'What do I do now then?'

'Let Yuuko deal with him for the time being, talk at home'

'Ok'

'I'll have Yuuko drive him home', Yuuri got out his phone to ask Yuuko the favour.

*****************************************************************************************************

'He doesn't know how to help you; until we find a Russian speaking counsellor, he's nervous', Yuuko tried to explain. 

'I don't even want a counsellor', Yuri huffed, 'I skate away my feelings'.

'Yuri, do you want to get away from the house for a bit?' Yuuko changed the subject.

'Well... yes, I guess so', Yuri shrugged, 'don't know how though with everyone watching me so closely'

'How would you fancy living with Takeshi, the triplets and I while Yuuri and Viktor are in China?' she asked, 'we have a spare room and we'd be happy to have you'

Yuri considered the offer, 'are you sure?'

'Absolutely' 

'Then... yes, I would', Yuri cracked a smile, 'thanks Yuuko'.

Yuuko ruffled his hair playfully, her phone beeped and she read Yuuri's text, 'c'mon, I'll drive you home, it's starting to rain'.

******************************************************************************************************

After dropping Yuri off and the onesen, Yuuko returned to Ice Castle immediately to introduce Viktor to her plans. 

'Yuri is staying with me while you're competing', she explained, 'he's positive to the idea'

'Really, Yuuko? You don't mind?' Yuuri asked. She nodded. 

'I do still feel somewhat guilty for what happened to him so it's the least I could do', she smiled, 'plus, I think he trusts me'.

'That would be amazing', Viktor sighed in relief, embracing Yuuko tightly, 'thank-you so much'


	23. Chapter 23

Viktor and Yuuri had left for China before Yuri was even awake. Yuuko had told him to call her when he ready to be picked up. Packing didn't really take much time for Yuri: he hadn't brought much with him to Japan anyway and he would only be staying at the Nishigori house for a few days. His phone was the last thing he placed in the suitcase, but as he was zipping it up, the screen flashed and he curiously took a look at the message. '800+ new mentions'. That was odd- he'd only been offline about 9 hours. Worried his account may have been hacked, Yuri quickly opened up his social media to see what all his notifications were on. 

'@yuris_no1_angel: Yura, what's with the article from @skatingdaily? are you ok?'

'@ChristophesAss: I would never expect Viktor to be a child abuser, WTF @skatingdaily' 

'@InSkatingWeAxel: I believe the eating disorder theory more than the child abuse theory. Either way, I hope Yuratchka is ok :(' 

Yuri felt his stomach drop- what were his fans talking about? He quickly located the article in question. At the top was a large photo of him: it was outside Ice Castle- the picture must've been sent in by one of the paparazzis he spotted the other day.

'Yuri Plisetsky, 15, pictured entering Ice Castle, Hasetsu, his training rink early Saturday morning; noticeably thinner and with a look of great anxiety on his face...'

True, Yuri had lost a significant amount of weight when he was sick but it wasn't a bit deal. He read on...

'One can speculate one of two causes... 1) His coach and temporary guardian, Viktor Nikiforov, is mistreating the 15 year old, starving him and emotionally abusing him... 2) The skater is suffering with an eating disorder' 

Yuri audibly groaned... _just because he'd lost 4.5kg that must mean that Viktor was abusing him? news channels were so fame hungry._

At first he thought it just the slightest bit humorous, that was until he returned to social media. 

'@ViktorNikiforov you c*nt how could you hurt yuratchka?'

'@ViktorNikiforov i hope you die you abusive ass'

'@ViktorNikiforov you are looking after a 15 year old and you let him get like this? screw you'

Yuri gulped- he hoped Viktor hadn't seen any of this before he left. He was probably in the air right that moment- with no idea of what was going on on his social media. Yuri yanked at his hair, racking his brains for an idea. _Would making a post and defusing the rumours help..? Or would that look like an excuse- keeping in mind 'skating daily' is a practically unheard of website..._

He heard a knock at his door followed by Mari entering, 'Yuuko's here to pick you up, are you ready?' she asked kindly. 

'I'm- yeah, yes, I am', he practically threw his phone in the case, subconsciously wishing he could throw away all the rumours too. 

'Are you alright, Yurio?'

'Fine'

Yuuko greeted him at the front door, 'hi Yurio!' she called. He gave her a nod. 

She picked up on his hesitance immediately, 'you've seen the news article, haven't you?' she asked as they walked down the stairs towards her car. 

'Fuck... you've seen it too?'

'My girls and I are subscribed to every skating website imaginable, Yuri. Though, of course, we've now unsubscribed to this one'

'What do I do?'

'I don't know if responding to the rumours is the best option... they may die down after a few days so just post as if nothing is going on as usual', Yuuko suggested, 'your intelligent fans will know it's all lies written for views'.

Yuri hummed in response. He still felt sick to the stomach, 'what do I say to Viktor?'

'We'll just have to hope he's so busy with Yuuri he has no time to check social media'

Yuri nodded. 

The drive was short and soon he arrived at the Nishigori house- it was smaller than the Katsuki onesen but it felt homely. Nishigori and the triplets greeted him at the door; the triplets un-subtly bringing up the article almost immediately, laughing at the absurdity of the accusation. Of course, no one had told them about Yuri's current situation- they were too young. 

Yuri smirked at their innocence. 

'The guest room is the first door on the left, Yuri. Would you like to drop off your bags and then help me make lunch?' Yuuko asked. 

'Sure, thanks', _Yuri was grateful that Yuuko understood he needed something to do at the current time to distract him from social media._

'Are you alright with rice and nimono vegetables, Yuri?' Yuuko called from the kitchen. 

'Sounds good', Yuri had no idea what 'nimono' vegetables were but didn't mind regardless.

As Yuri returned to the kitchen, Yuuko had laid carrots, potato, daikon radish and taro root neatly on the counter. 'Could you chop the vegetables up into equal sizes?'

Yuri agreed, taking the large kitchen knife Yuuko presented to him. It sliced the vegetables so cleanly- Yuri couldn't help but sadistically wonder what sort of damage it could do to human skin. He tried to keep that thought away though- the Katsuki family locked away their knives every-night and Yuri was sure that Viktor had probably told Yuuko to do the same. 

Yuuko took the chopped up vegetables from Yuri and placed them in a sizzling pan to stir fry. The triplets were already at the table, complaining that it was taking so long. 

'Hey Yuri', Loop called, 'come sit with us', 

Yuri looked at Yuuko, 'go on, I'll finish off the last bit', she smiled. 

'Can we train you while Viktor's away with Yuuri?' Axel asked enthusiastically as Yuri took a seat.

'I don't see why not', Yuri shrugged, playing with the chopstick infront of him, 'you three seem to know just as much about skating as Viktor does'

'We're in the process of watching every single grand prix final since it's first round in Paris in 1995', Lux said proudly, 'do you know who the first men's gold medalist was?'

'No idea but I bet he was Russian'

'Correct, it was Alexei Urmanov of Russia', Lux announced. 

'And do you know who was the silver medalist in...'

'Alright girls, i'm sure Yuri heard enough about figure skating at home, give him a break', Yuuko laughed, plating up the meal. 

****************************************************************************************

When Yuri returned to his new room following lunch he had received a text he was hoping he wouldn't. 

[Viktor Nikiforov: call me when you get this]


	24. Chapter 24

Yuri called Viktor instantly: he answered after just one ring. 

'Yuri...', he sounded slightly out of breath, 

'I take it you've read it', Yuri said monotonously, 'sorry'

'You have nothing to apologise for, Yurio', Viktor sounded like he was in public, 'I just wanted to check you were alright'

'I'm fine, it's you getting all the hate comments', Yuri said, guilt eating away at his insides, 'what do you want me to do?'

'I really don't know...', Viktor sighed, 'I had a missed call from one of my sponsors and...'

'Fuck, they aren't letting you go are they?'

'No, no, they understand the media makes up things like this but... they still were unhappy that my 'brand' had been tainted'

'Sorry'

'Stop apologising, Yurio', Viktor stepped into a public restroom for a minute to get away from the loud crowds in the airport, 'the only thing I can really suggest you do that might help is if you post that selfie you and I took at training the other day..?'

'I guess that might show them you're not a completely abusive asshole', Yuri shrugged, 'can do'.

'Don't let it play on your mind, you've got more important things to worry about; thinking of... are you at Yuuko's yet?'

'Yes, i'm here'

'And everything's good, yes? You don't need anything?'

'Viktor, you're 5 hours away, even if I did need something what could you do about it?'

'Sorry'

'Now you can stop apologising', Yuri taunted. Viktor snorted. 

'Alright, I'll leave you to it then. I probably won't be able to text you till after the short program tomorrow so i'll speak to you then'

'I'll be watching'

'Goodbye Yurio'

Yuri didn't feel too much better after that phonecall- he took Viktor's advice though and posted that selfie on his instagram. He didn't particularly like the way his hair looked in the photo but he knew he had to get over that and just post the image. 

'Was that Viktor on the phone?' Yuuko popped her head around the door.

'Yes'

'They've arrived?'

'No, they're still 30,000 feet up but he managed to get a signal', Yuri said sarcastically.

Yuuko giggled, 'everything ok?'

'He saw the article'

She frowned, '...and?'

'He's pretending he doesn't care'

'Maybe he doesn't care'

'How would you feel if hundreds of people were sending you hate mail calling you an abusive mother?'

Yuuko stayed silent. 

'Whatever, I'll just have to deal with it for now'

'Can I do anything for you?'

'Kill me?'

Yuri instantly realised it probably wasn't the best idea to make that joke keeping in mind his circumstances- Yuuko gave him a nervous glance.

'Joking', he said quickly, blushing. 

'Ok then, if there's anything besides committing a homicide I can do to make life easier, just shout'

'Thanks'

*********************************************************************************************************

Yuuko had put the triplets to bed around 8pm; her and Nishigori had asked Yuri to keep an eye on them while they went to Ice Castle briefly to zamboni the ice. The rink was so infrequently used, the couple couldn't afford someone to do it for them so most of the maintenance work was completed by them themselves. 

Sitting in the living room and watching grand prix series highlights as well as the lead up to the cup of China, Yuri could help but notice the repetitious beeping his phone was making from down the hall. Assuming Yuri's angels were fangirling over his instagram post, he decided he could do with the ego-boost and he went to fetch it. 

He was right- 

'@yurislilangel: KAWAIIIIIIII'

'@skatingslut: awww Yuri and Viktor could be brothers'

'@YuriPlisexy: hope training is going well Yuri, love you xoxo'

Scrolling through a few comments, Yuri couldn't help but notice the odd negative one. It was normal to receive them- Yuri's was used to the occasional 'fag', 'pussy' or 'girl' comments, they didn't bother him. But these comments were again, aimed at Viktor.

'@Mark_TheSkater: skatingcentral have posted a new article about this photo, makes a lot of sense actually... always knew something was off about Nikiforov'

'@LutzMeBaby: Yuri does look a little uncomfortable, bet @skatingcentral are right'

_Skating Central? Not another skating news channel._

Opening up the link a fan left on the photo, Yuri found the article. 

'Viktor Nikiforov responds to 'child abuse' allegations by forcing Plisetsky to post photo to prove 'all is well'...

Yuri skimmed through it.

'Some claim that Nikiforov has taken over control of Plisetsky's social media to ensure he appears innocent...'

Yuri's heart was pounding. 

'Look closely at the image... see how tightly Nikiforov is gripping onto Plisetsky's shoulder, as if he's forcing him to be there. In this author's opinion, this post was all a rouse by Nikiforov to fool the media.'

'Bullshit', Yuri hissed, slamming the phone down in disgust. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears; he dug his nails into his arms, the words in that article repeating and reverberating loudly in his brain. 'Stop', he whispered to himself. He needed to get out. He ran to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water, downing it in one. Breathing heavily he spotted the vegetable knife still lying on the draining board- yet to be put away.

_No, Yuuko will notice._

_She will check your arms and legs, do it somewhere else._

_All the pain and tension will go away if you do it._

_Do it Yuri, do it._

The Nishigori's could burst through the door at any minute, Yuri didn't have much time to contemplate. He pulled up his shirt, gripping it under his chin and then riding his pants down on his hips. He slashed the side of his hip and the site weeped instantly. Luckily he was wearing black pants so the blood didn't stain. He did it 3 more times. Then once more. Stuffing kitchen roll down his pants to stench the bleeding, Yuri quickly re-washed the knife and left it on the draining board in its' exact position. 

He hurried back to his room so he'd look innocent when Yuuko and Takeshi returned. His chest was heaving but he felt at peace. He lifted up the waist band of his shorts to check how the wounds were closing. The last ones were still bleeding but the kitchen roll managed to soak them up well. 

'Yuri, we're home', he heard Yuuko call. Had they been 2 minutes earlier, he would have been caught with his pants rolled down his hips, holding a knife and bleeding from self-inflicted wounds. 

 _That was the last time._ He promised himself. But it wouldn't be.


	25. Chapter 25

The usual sense of guilty didn't plague Yuri for long. By the time morning had broken and he was on the ice it was no longer dominant in his mind. 

'Yuri, your landings are too rough; it needs to look easy', he heard Yuuko shout. He made up for it by sarcastically landing a single toe-loop with ironic grace. He heard Yuuko giggle and a triumphant 'yes' from one of the triplets- _they'd probably managed to film that humiliating exhibition. It'd be on social media soon enough._

'Mummy, Yuuri is skating in half an hour', Lutz tugged at Yuuko's shirt.

'We can't miss it', Axel panicked.

'We won't', Yuuko promised, gesturing Yuri off the ice, 'see, we're leaving now'.

************************************************************************************************************************

'When's the piggy skating anyway? Do we know yet?' Yuri asked, sitting beside the triplets in the Katsuki living room. 

'Last in group 1', Loop answered, reading the information off of the official website. It was odd to be back in the Katsuki house watching skating without Yuuri and Viktor beside him. 

'There he is!' Axel cried, pointing at the screen as the group 1 skaters began filtering onto the ice for the warm up. 

'Does he look nervous to you?' Minako leaned over to whisper in Yuuko's ear. 

'Oddly... no', Yuuko grinned.

'That's just what I was thinking...', Minako smirked, 'Viktor, what have you done to our Yuuri?'

The room applauded as Yuuri landed a triple axel.

The camera briefly panned to Viktor who had a look of determination and pride on his face. 

'And there's his coach, Viktor Nikiforov'... an announcer narrated, 'also coach to his nation's own, Yuri Plisetsky...',

 _Don't bring it up_ ... Yuri begged.

'Let's hope he's left the 15 year old in safe hands while he's travelling, from what we've heard online he's not the best guardian one could hope for...'

'No, it'll be interesting to see if Plis- ah, look at that; a nasty tumble out of quad toe-loop for Guang Hong-Gi of China'

Yuri was grateful for the interruption. 

Everyone in the sitting room ignored the comment although the atmosphere did change for a brief minute. 

************************************************************************************************************************

Once the competition was over, the family stayed to watch the 'after-news'; Yuuri was never usually the one to beat so it was a great change to see all eyes on him in the post- interviews. Yuri felt obligated to send a text to Yuuri, like he'd done when he was in America. 

'Congrats', it read simply. 

'Thanks Yurio! Are you doing well?' Yuuri replied soon after.

'Can you be selfish for once in your life?' 

'Besides, how are you texting me? Aren't you supposed to be doing interviews now?'

'Went to the bathroom'

'Charming'

'We'll call you later'

'If you want'

'Is that Yuuri you're texting, Yurio?' Minako teased, leaning over his shoulder. Yuri quickly locked his phone. 

'Just to say well done', he blushed. 

'You don't have to be shy about that', she slurred, clearly at her alcohol limit, 'it's ok to fangirl over Yuuri'

'I'm not-'

'Minako, I think you're had enough to drink', Hiroko interrupted, removing a bottle of wine from Minako's grasp. 

*******************************************************************************************************************

It was 10pm local time when Yuri got a call from Viktor. They mainly talked about China... the food he'd ate, Katsuki's skate... but then the topic he didn't want to talk about...

'Yurio, tell me, how's... your habit doing? Nothing since we've left, right?' 

'No, nothing', Yuri answered a bit too quickly.

Viktor 'hmm'd', 'are you sure?'

'Yes, Viktor, I'm sure', he grimaced.

'Well, you can tell me anything', _That's not true- he'd only be sent home_

'I'm going to bed, Viktor'

'Ok, goodnight, Yuri'.

It was a few hours later when Yuri, still awake, received a text from Katsuki. 

'Hey Yurio, sorry I didn't get to talk on the phone earlier, how are you doing?'

'Isn't it late Katsudon? Sleep before the free skate tomorrow'

'I don't need much sleep'

'Your funeral'

'Viktor said you were a bit sharp with him on the phone, anything wrong?'

'FFS why do the two of you have to always be like this?'

'Because we care'

'Maybe i was sharp with him because I'm done with these fucking questions'

'Sorry for asking'

Yuri didn't reply.

'Mama said that you and the Nishigori's came over to the onesen to watch the skate- did you get to use the hot springs?'

Yuri didn't understand the pointless chatter. 

'Does it matter?'

The other Yuuri didn't reply. 

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

Yuuri hadn't felt anxiety so strong in months. Warming up out of view of the cameras, Yuuri could feel cold sweat on his back, his hands shaking and his heart pounding. He'd never felt pressure like it- being the one to beat in a grand prix event was unheard of for the Japanese skater, and even when it was other competitors' time on the ice, commentators were still talking about Katsuki. 

Yurio wasn't feeling too sociable that day and chose to watch the free skate off his phone from the comfort of his own bed. Yuuko understood he just needed his space but made sure to tell him he was welcome to join everybody else in the sitting room should he fancy it. After finishing the short program in 6th, Guang Hong-Gi was the first to skate. He was 2 years older than Yuri but Yuri could tell his technique was lacking. He was graceful and quite stunning on the ice, but technique scores matter more than performance. Yuri couldn't help but get frustrated at the amount of emphasis being place on the Japanese Yuuri: it seemed that all the commentators were talking about was him. Finishing the short in 1st, Yuri knew Katsuki would be performing last- having to watch his competition and wait the longest. It was a nerve-wracking position to be in. He was the penultimate skater during the free skate section at skate America and watching everyone else perform only increased his anxiety. 

While Christophe was preparing for his free skate, the camera cut to Yuuri warming up, Viktor standing close-by. Yuri couldn't help but notice how panicked he looked. The commentators picked up on it too. 

'Well, that doesn't look like the expression of a confident skater...'

'Not at all; does Katsuki really expect to remain in 1st with so little energy?'

Yuri felt empathetic nervousness grow in his stomach. Yuuri was looking quite pale, with dark circles under his eyes- he clearly hadn't slept. Yuri remembered back to the odd texts Katuski was sending last night and suddenly reality hit- _Yuuri sent those texts because he was scared and didn't want to be alone with his thoughts. Yuri rejecting him probably made it worse._

Guilt engulfed him and he gritted his teeth, 'stupid Katsudon', he whispered, 'you should've been honest'.

He could hear multiple voices from the sitting room: clearly everyone else was commenting on Yuuri's obvious fatigue. Yuri decided to join them- knowing being alone with his negative thoughts would only make him feel worse. 

**************************************************************************************************

As Yuuri met his final position: the room burst into loud applause. Hiroko was wiping away tears: it was by no means Yuuri's best skate, but his determination was front and centre and she was so proud of her son. The camera panned to Viktor running to the gate to meet Yuuri as he usually does, however, this time his steps appeared more urgent. As Yuuri sped towards the gate, arms outstretched, he called Viktor's name, to be greeted by his lips...

The volume in the room diminished instantly. The image was suddenly in slow motion. Yuuri and Viktor were on the ground, the ice more specifically, sitting up from their kiss and laughing. 

Yuri examined everyone's faces: Takeshi and Toshiyo had their mouths agape; Minako and Yuuko had exchanged a look of excitement; the triplets were ping-ponging their eyes between the screen and the social media feed they were routinely checking during the program and Hiroko just sat calmly, a soft smile on her face. She ended the long silence. 

'I always wondered', she sighed, smiling. 

**************************************************************************************************

Yuuri had ended up in 2nd. Yuri couldn't help but wonder had he texted Yuuri back, would he have won gold. He considered texting Yuuri to apologise but he didn't know what to say... 

Viktor didn't text him like he usually did... 

He was probably pissed off at him. 

He had a good reason to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading everyone! I've had a few comments from people concerned for my wellbeing, thought i'd just answer them all in a note...
> 
> 1) Thanks for caring- honestly, it means a lot to know anonymous people online care! haha  
> 2) I'm fine- I'm bored in the summer between college semesters and I have nothing to do (hence, frequent updates).   
> 3) For those who are curious- yes, I did used to self-harm, however I have been clean for a long time. I find it helps me personally to write about it (as i'm doing here). I understand it would have the opposite effect on others but eh, that's how I work.


	27. Chapter 27

That evening, Yuri announced to Yuuko that he was going to Ice Castle, hoping his demeanour would let her know he wanted to go alone. 

'Can you hold off an hour, Yurio? I'm just making the girls' dinner, then I can take you', she explained, busying herself in a kitchen cupboard. 

'It's only a 25 minute walk; I can go alone, I've walked there plenty of times before', he tried to keep his cool. 

Yuuko looked uncertain, 'I'm not sure, how can I trust you won't be doing quads when there's no one there to supervise?' 

Yuri rolled his eyes, 'I'm not that impulsive'.

'You're not going to make this easy for me, are you?' Yuuko rolled her eyes. 

'I can text you every 15 minutes if that'd comfort you', Yuri shrugged. 

'Fine. Text me as soon as you get there, ok?' 

'Thanks, Yuuko'.

Yuri was out the door in minutes: jogging down Hasetsu's main road and ignoring the rain that started to beat down on his face. Yuri was planning on going to Ice Castle, but he was making a detour first. That's why he was jogging- to make up for lost time and to prevent any suspicion. 

He reached the local corner store- he was relieved to see the lights were still on. Greeting the shopkeeper with a nod, he made his way to the home-where aisle and quickly located the item he was searching for- a craft knife. He knew it'd look suspicious coming into a shop at 7pm to buy just a knife so he picked up a few other items to mask the unfavourable object. As the shop-keeper was scanning his products, he stopped at the knife and said something Yuri didn't understand in Japanese. 

'English?' he asked.

The shopkeeper nodded, understanding, 'any identification of age?' 

_They were ID-ing him? He wasn't ID'd for the blade at the other shop, so why here? Yuri had forgotten that there was a 16+ rule on blades over a certain length._

He groaned, 'I'll put it back', he snatched the weapon from the shopkeeper and trudged back to the aisle. A devious thought plagued his mind the whole way back to the home department... _what if he was to steal it?_ Yuri needed the release right now; he didn't know what he would do if he couldn't spill just a few teaspoons of blood. He could feel cold sweat on his back as he weighed up his options. There wasn't much time to deliberate: the shopkeeper would get suspicious. Scanning for any security cameras, Yuri considered the coast clear, and shoved the item inside his hoodie. 

He payed for his decoy items quickly and rushed out of the store. Once outside, a sudden feeling of euphoria washed over him; he'd just stolen a knife and gotten away with it. 

His jog to Ice Castle soon turned into a run; the anticipation running through his veins and the urge to feel metal on skin heavy in his head. His hands were shaking as he tried desperately to unlock the front door, cursing as each key he tried resulted in no dice. 

Finally he was in and he let out a hefty exhale. Before he could do anything, he needed to text Yuuko. 

'Here' it read simply. _Should he attach a photo so she knows he's not lying? No, that'd look even more suspicious._

He marched into the men's toilet and aggressively unwrapped the knife, discarding the cardboard carelessly on the floor of the bathroom. The blade was sharp, unused and stunning. Ridding his sweat pants down, Yuri positioned the knife just below the cuts on his hip that had been conceived a few nights back. He didn't bother to 'test' the blade; he didn't want any hesitation cuts, he just dug straight in, scraping metal deep into his skin. He hissed loudly, finally able to audibly express the pain and pleasure. He saw his phone flash up with a response from Yuuko...

'Ok, be safe...'

He morbidly laughed at the text. Switching off his phone to avoid further distraction, he slashed his other hip, symmetrical with the first. _He deserved it for all he'd done to Katsudon last night and today... without him, Katsuki surely would've won the whole competition. Two large cuts for second place. No wonder neither of them would text him._

******************************************************************************************************

'I think I understand better now', Viktor and Yuuri were in their hotel in China, Yuuri's silver medal resting on the desk and the two of them facing each other on opposite beds. 

'I didn't always know it was anxiety', Yuuri explained, 'but I guess I've always had it'.

'I'm sorry I didn't know how to deal with you today', Viktor bowed his head, slight shame etched into his face.

Yuuri tilted his chin, 'it's ok, you didn't know'.

Viktor's eyes met Yuuri's; he was smiling. Viktor mirrored Yuuri's expression, leaning forward and kissing his cheek. 

'Are we going to talk about the aftermath of your skate, Yuuri?' Viktor winked, Yuuri blushed furiously. 

'Well, everyone else is', he joked, presenting his ever beeping phone to Viktor. 

Viktor laughed, 'you know it was genuine, don't you?'

Yuuri gave a half-hearted nod. 

'It wasn't one of those in-the-moment things... well, it was, but... I've wanted to kiss you for ages and I feel... well, I don't know how to describe it, but when i'm with you, it's just-', Viktor babbled. 

'I understand', Yuuri interrupted, 'and I feel the same way, I have for sometime'.

It was Viktor's time to blush. 'Can I kiss you?'

Yuuri responded by getting up from his bed and joining Viktor on his. Viktor cupped Yuuri's face and brought their lips together gently. This kiss felt more real; their kiss on the ice was fantastic too but Yuuri couldn't help but feel in the back of his mind that it was the adrenaline that caused Viktor to act so spontaneously. Neither wanted to pull away- Yuuri leaned deeper into the kiss, running his hands through Viktor's hair. Viktor could feel electricity run up his spine at Yuuri's touch. The kiss ended abruptly when Viktor's phone went off, making them both jump. 

They both laughed, it hadn't ruined the moment- the moment was perfect regardless. 

***************************************************************************************************

Thousands of miles away, Yuri was imagining a whole different scenario currently taking place in China. _Yuuri and Viktor bitching about him; that he had sabotaged Yuuri's position. That Viktor should just dump him and only coach Katsuki._ Little did Yuri know, the lack of contact from the two skaters was due to the fact that they were somewhat distracted from the rest of the world.

He didn't particularly want to practise that night; but he needed to do some to back-up his story. Yuuko had sent him a message, telling him she was coming over in a while and would drive him home. Doing simple figure eights across the ice, Yuri began to notice the feeling of liquid running down his leg. Looking down, he gasped at the spots of blood appearing on the ice surrounding him. He couldn't let Yuuko see this- he'd done a great job of disposing of the knife and it's container in a public trash can down the street, he couldn't be caught out by his own body. He placed his hand on the ice, trying to melt the top layer and allow the blood to dissolve into it. It wasn't working; the ice was too thick and it only resulted in Yuri getting his hand stuck for a scary 10 seconds. He tried kicking up some ice, covering the liquid in shaves. But even then, new blood was appearing from the bottom of his trouser leg. Groaning, Yuri knew he'd have to re-wrap his hip first or else he'd just be working in circles.

Hurrying back into the bathroom, he quickly pulled down his sweat pants and inspected the dripping wounds. The one on his right hip was the worst one and the one that was pouring down his leg. He wrapped it in about 10 layers of toilet paper, grateful his thick sweat pants would hide the excess. He had just begun kicking up more shaved ice when he heard Yuuko opening up the door. 

'Ready to go, Yurio?' she asked, keys in hand.

'Yeah', Yuri said nervously, giving the ice one last kick and retrieving his skate guards from the boards. He left to replace his skates in the locker Yuuko had given him, giving Yuuko a second alone in the rink. The ice was so perfectly white, a pink-ish stain was quite noticeable near the exit. She curiously edged over to it- she recognised the colour straight away. It was definitely blood. 'Yurio...'.   

 


	28. Chapter 28

'Yurio...', Yuri felt his heart stop as Yuuko called his name. 

'Yes?' he responded, attempting to sound casual. 

'Can you come here a moment?' 

Yuri cursed his own recklessness. _He should've thought the whole thing out better: he should have bought gauze from the shop; he should have waiting till the bleeding had stopped before skating..._

Yuri looked into Yuuko's eyes, a glimmer of uncertainty present in them, 'Yuri, do you know why there's blood on the ice?'

'Sorry, I thought I'd cleaned it up... I-I has a nosebleed', he lied easily. _His lying game was ever improving these days._

Yuuko gave him an un-sure look, 'are you sure? I didn't know you got nosebleeds...'

'I sometimes do... usually from a temperature change... like being on the ice', Yuri cringed at how fake his excuse sounded. 

'Yuri, you don't have to lie to me', Yuuko said softly, 'please tell me the truth'.

'I just did', he felt his stomach flip, 'can you get off my case, please?'

'I need to see your arms and legs, then I will', she folded her arms. 

'Ok, fine', Yuri shrugged. _He didn't need to panic: the cuts were easily covered by his boxer shorts._

He pulled off his hoodie and shirt all in one; shivering as the cold air of the rink hit his naked torso, 'happy?' he asked sarcastically. 

_Last time you went to the bathroom there was blood staining your legs, are you sure you cleaned it all up?_

The voice in Yuri's head stopped him in his tracks. He had to check before he showed Yuuko. If she saw dried blood on his legs, she'd only investigate further and then he'd be screwed. Yuri threw his hoodie back over his head, adjusting it quickly. 

'I'll just take off my skates then I'll show you the rest', he said quickly. It was a fair enough excuse- it would be hard to simultaneously remove his pants and stay balanced on the thin blades. Yuuko didn't argue so Yuri rushed to the locker room. Thrusting his skates in his locker, not bothering to wipe off the accumulated ice, he dived into the bathroom. The voice in his head had saved him- the toilet paper he'd stuffed up the leg of his boxer shorts was dangling awkwardly out, crusted with blood. Yuri removed it quickly, checking one last time that the wounds had clotted and there was no dried blood on his legs. He exited the bathroom to find Yuuko waiting for him. 

'Legs?' she asked. Yuri nodded, awkwardly pulling down his track-pants. She knelt down, examining the fronts and backs. Standing back up she gave Yuri a smile, 'I guess I was worrying unnecessarily, sorry, Yurio'.

'I understand', he said, quickly hiking up his pants. 'Can we go now?'

She nodded. 'I'm still worried about you, Yuri...'.

'Don't be'.

Yuri felt physically sick when he arrived back at the Nishigori house. That was too close. His mind was so focussed on feeling pain he hadn't thought it all through and came so close to revealing himself to Yuuko. Plus, he regretted his impulsive decision to bin the knife. At the time it had seemed like the smart thing to do; anyone can use the public trashcan so no one could trace it back to him, plus the evidence would well and truly be gone. But still- the knife hadn't been cheap, and when he needs his next fix, surely he'll get ID'd again. Yuri had almost forgot that he had stolen the item. Guilt plagued his mind; _what if there was CCTV but it was well hidden? He'd be on the news and would be recognised right away. His career would be over._

He felt tears prick his eyes but he refused to let them fall. He only realised how tightly he was clenching his jaw when he began to feel painful pressure build in his head. He needed to tell someone what he'd done and ask for advice but there was no-one he could tell... the Katsuki's were working to find him a Russian speaking counsellor but he didn't want to go anyway- they'd only feedback everything he'd say. Yuri could feel bile rising up his throat and he legged it to the bathroom, hand over his mouth to delay the inevitable. He didn't have time to lock the door, he just threw himself on the ground and immediately began retching up the remains of his dinner. 

'Yuri', it was Takeshi, he must've heard the commotion. 

Yuri couldn't respond. He was too busy coughing up a lung and attempting to make it land in the toilet bowl rather than the floor. Nishigori entered regardless and rested on the side of the bathtub. 'Are you sick or did you just push yourself too hard at practise?'

Yuri gestured the latter. Maybe he was sick... he wasn't sure. He didn't remember ever throwing up from fear before. 

'Can I get you some green tea?'

Yuri didn't particularly like green tea but at least it would get Takeshi out of his hair. He hated people seeing him at his weakest. 

He needed to feel pain again. More than that he needed to cry, to scream, to punch a wall. Usually he could last a few days between injuring himself but just a few hours later the urge was already back, stronger than ever. As the last of his stomach acid was expelled from his mouth, Yuri hastily wiped a tear from his eye, telling himself it was a physical reaction to the retching, not him crying. 

Takeshi returned to the bathroom, holding the mug of tea. 'Do you think you're finished? I can bring a bucket to your room if-'

'No, I'm done', Yuri shook his head, 'thanks for the tea'.

Setting the tea down on the counter, Takeshi offered Yuri a hand. He shakily got to his feet, throat raw and legs like jelly. 

'Come on', Takeshi helped him back to his room. Yuri had never seen the man act so fatherly- even with his girls he still sounded like an ice hockey coach. Clearly he did have his softer moments. 

Sitting down on the bed, Yuri took the warm drink from Takeshi and took a dainty sip. 

'What happened?' Takeshi asked.

Yuri swallowed, 'I think... I just pushed myself too hard at practise tonight- I wasn't feeling particularly energetic but I tried to push through it'.

He nodded, 'dumb idea, Yuri. You know you could cause yourself a serious injury practising when fatigued'. 

'I know'.

'Have you spoken to Yuuri and Viktor?' he asked, trying to brighten the conversation, only to do the opposite. 

Yuri's face fell, 'no'.

'No?' Takeshi raised an eyebrow, 'well, perhaps they have some things to discuss following what happened on the ice today', he smirked. Photos of Yuuri and Viktor's kiss were now the new backgrounds on all three of the triplets' phones. 

'Maybe', Yuri scratched his head uncomfortably. 

'Is there something else going on between you and those two?'

'I'm not sure...'

'Well clearly something's on your mind', Takeshi turned his body fully to face Yuri, 'it won't hurt to tell me about it'.

He was right- Yuri had nothing to lose telling Nishigori about the texting incident. He explained it carefully; showing Nishigori the texts on his phone. 

'You can't honestly think Yuuri would hold a grudge because of this, do you?' he laughed, 'Yuuri isn't like that, trust me...'

'Then why haven't either of them replied to me?'

'Will it make you feel better to know neither of them have replied to me either? Or Yuuko, or the triplets, or even Yuuri's own family last time I checked', Takeshi answered, 'like I said- they're probably too busy indulging their romantic-'

'Please don't', Yuri interrupted him, not wanting to think about the romantic endeavours Yuuri and Viktor may be up to, 'I think you're right though... I feel a lot better'. He meant it. 

'Well, great', Takeshi smiled, 'you can be open with us, Yuri. Sometimes it helps to let it all out'. He patted Yuri's knee then left him. 

_Nishigori was right- telling him the truth felt good. The urge to harm himself he was feeling so strongly just half an hour ago seemed to have vanished. Perhaps talking could work for Yuri._

 


	29. Chapter 29

The next morning Yuri awoke to a text from Yuuri. He unlocked his phone quickly to see the content of the message.

'Hi Yurio, sorry I didn't reply sooner; I was so tired after the competition I went straight to bed. Our plane is boarding so i'll see you in a couple of hours. Hope everything's ok.'

Yuri had almost forgot Yuuri and Viktor were returning from competition so soon after the event. The text was sent at 04:38, meaning they were probably close to touching down at Fuuoka. Yuri would be returning to his room in the Katsuki household- much to the disappointment of the triplets. Of course, Yuuko told him he was more than welcome to stay longer, but he politely declined the offer. Truth be told, he did miss the Katsuki family. 

'Yuri, are you up?' he heard a knock at his door, it was Yuuko.

'Yes, come in', he called. She opened the door and gave him a quick bow.

'I told Mari I'd pick Yuuri and Viktor up from the airport, would you like to come with me?' she asked.

He considered the offer, '...yes, that'd be good'.

'Great', she smiled, 'pack up your belongings, we'll be leaving in half an hour'.

*************************************************************************************************************************

As their plane began it's decent, Viktor noticed Yuri's anxiety increasing. Following their long talk back in China, Yuuri had taught him of his tell-tale signs: fidgeting, increased heart rate, sweating, impulsivity. 

'What are you worrying about?' he asked quietly.

'What my parents will say...', Yuuri bit his lip.

'About the kiss?'

'About us more than that', Yuuri looked Viktor in the eyes. Their relationship had become official last night; they weren't planning on sharing it with the press, but it felt right to tell Yuuri's family, seeing as they'd all be living together. 

'You think they won't accept it?' Viktor asked, rubbing Yuuri's knee gently. 

'It might be a bit of a shock', he shrugged.

'Yuuri... with respect, you've gone 23 years without a girlfriend, do you really think your parents haven't at least suspected something?' 

Yuuri blushed, 'maybe...'

'Plus, your room has been covered in posters of me for the last decade', Yuuri shot Viktor a nervous look, 'Mari told me'.

Yuuri covered his face with his hands in embarrassment. Viktor laughed.

'I think it's sweet', he teased, 'fangirl meets his idol and they fall in love- it's like a fanfiction come true'.

Yuuri swatted Viktor's hand off his knee, 'stop it!' he laughed. 

Maybe it'd be alright. 

*************************************************************************************************************************

Not long after, Yuuri and Viktor were back on the ground and in Yuuko's car. Viktor had 'shotgunned' the front seat so he could discuss the event with Yuuko, while Yuuri was left with the backseat, beside Yurio.

'I never got to properly thank you for your text, Yurio', Yuuri started, 'it was a busy evening'.

'Yeah, I could imagine why', he replied monotonously. He really wanted to apologise for the whole texting incident the night before the free skate. 

'So, how was training when-'

'I'm sorry I was a dick to you the night before the free skate', Yuri interrupted him.

Yuuri was surprised, 'what?'

'I didn't appreciate how nervous you were and that you just wanted someone to talk to...', Yuri refused to look Yuuri in the eye, 'I shut you down and I have felt shitty about it for days'.

'Oh Yurio', Yuuri ruffled his hair playfully, 'I'd completely forgotten. You don't need to worry about that in the slightest'.

Yuri wasn't entirely sure if Yuuri was lying to make him feel better. 

'I still feel bad about it'

'It's over; I made the podium, that's all that matters now'

'But you would have got the gold if it weren't for me'

'That's not true, Yuri'

Yuri shook his head- it was true. 

***************************************************************************************************************************

Barely an hour after returning home, Viktor insisted on taking Yuri out to practise. Yuri didn't complain- for the last few days he'd either practised alone or with Yuuko, who, despite being able to give pointers as an avid watcher of figure skating, didn't have the experience Viktor had. 

After warming up, Viktor announced that he wanted to see both programs full out, as he would perform them at the Rostelecom Cup. 

'In a row?' Yuri exclaimed.

'I'll give you a breather', Viktor rolled his eyes. 

Viktor had promised to not critique while Yuri was skating, but to write down any issues and discuss them afterwards. While skating agape, Yuri couldn't help but notice Viktor occasionally write something down and each time he would try to deduct what he'd done wrong to constitute a note. 

'Stop watching me write, Yurio. Just focus on the program', so much for Viktor not speaking.

Once Yuri had completed his free skate, Viktor called him over to the boards. Yuri cringed at the amount of writing on Viktor's notepad. 

'Don't worry, some of it is positives', he assured, noticing Yuri's nervous look. 

'Right; if we start with technical things: your knees were slightly bent in the quad sal in agape- I have no idea how you managed to execute the landing like that but anyway... watch your thumb- you've picked up a habit of having it stick out away from the rest of the fingers, make sure they're in a soft line...'

Viktor's critiques went on for ages. He picked up on the smallest things. 

They didn't rehearse for too long after that- Viktor was tired and only really wanted to see how the programs had come along during his absence. They walked home together, the weather noticeably colder than a few weeks ago. 

'How's living with the Nishigori's been?' Viktor asked.

'Good', Yuri answered, 'they're cool people'.

'You've been feeling happy, da?'

'Yes', Yuri lied. 

'You sure?' he asked, 'Yuuko did mention that you seemed a bit low yesterday'.

Yuri gritted his teeth, 'I'm fine'.

'If you say so, Yurio'.

The walk home was met mostly be silence the rest of the journey. 


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back - back - back? back again- gain -gain. 
> 
> I haven't updated in MONTHS- college work has been crazy, sorry XD.

It was the evening when Yuri received a phone call from someone he simultaneously dreaded speaking to and yearned to speak to. 

'Grandpa...', he breathed, he couldn't remember the last time he had heard his Grandfather's voice. 

'Yurotchka, how are you?' Nikolai responded warmly. 

'I'm- I'm doing well, Grandpa. How is Moscow?' Yuri was quick to direct the conversation away from his own feelings. 

'Moscow is Moscow', Nikolai chuckled, 'we haven't spoken since your win at Skate America'.

Yuri grimaced slightly, 'it wasn't a win, Grandpa'.

'Second place is a win, Yuri. Everyone thinks that but you', he sighed, 'you were always hard on yourself, even when you won gold at juniors'.

Yuri remembered it well - he'd beaten the second place skater by nearly 8 points, but was still furious with himself for an under-rotated salchow. 

'I've at least gotten over that', he sniggered, 'what are you calling me for, anyway?' 

'Can a Grandfather not just call up his Grandson for a talk?' Nikolai laughed, Yuri felt a stab of guilt; he hadn't meant for it to come out that way. 

'I didn't-'

'No, no; I did have something specific I wanted to ask you', Nikolai reassured, 'I've been speaking to Viktor...'

Yuri felt his stomach drop. Fuck. His Grandpa knew something was going on but as far as Yuri knew, Viktor hadn't told him the specific details. 

'How would you like to spend next week with me in Moscow? The Rostelecom Cup isn't for sometime and Viktor thinks you deserve a break', Yuri wasn't expecting that. 

'Grandpa...', he started, 'I would love to spend a week with you in Moscow but I can't just take a week off practise; not this close to the event'.

Nikolai let out an expectant sigh, 'I thought you might say that. If it'd help change your mind, Viktor has checked and you can have access to the local rink if you must train'.

'Can I have a think?' Yuri asked. 

'A short one, yes. I will need to book the flight by tomorrow, Yuri'. 

'Ok, I'll call you later, Grandpa'.

As Yuri hung up the phone, he heard a knock at the door. Viktor must have been eavesdropping. 

'Are you going to visit your Grandpa, then?' he asked, settling down at Yuri's desk. 

'Why would you suggest that this close to the next event?'

'Because you will perform better if you've had a week off', Viktor shrugged, 'I can see you're getting more and more stressed, Yuri, and you won't perform at your best if it continues'.

'Fine, i'll be less stressed, then', Yuri said sarcastically. 

'Yuri...', Viktor warned, 'your routines are beyond ready; every run-through could score you in the top 3- this break won't ruin your chances'.

'I'm not sure'.

'I am. If you are really concerned, there's the old olympic rink just a 15 minute drive from Nikolai's house.' 

'I guess...'

'Do you want to call Nikolai back?'

Yuri nodded, 'yeah'.

****************************************************************************************************

It was settled. Nikolai had booked Yuri a nighttime flight on the Sunday; meaning he'd arrive in the early hours on Monday morning in Moscow. Yuuri had agreed to take the Saturday off to allow Viktor to dedicate all his time to Yuri before he left. 

The routines were looking great: Viktor was a little concerned about a reoccurring lack of rotation on the quad toe-loop, but he didn't want to worry Yuri with that just before he went home. It could be discussed when he returned to Japan. 

'Let's talk about Moscow', Viktor said as they begun the trek home from Ice Castle, 'what are you planning on doing?'

'Huh?' 

'Training-wise. Knowing you as I do, I'm sure it's your intention to keep up some sort of regime while you're home'.

'Oh, yeah, well; I have been looking at the local rink on google', Yuri said, 'it's full size of course, but I can only book out half of it for solo practise'.

Viktor nodded, 'i'd imagine so in a big city like Moscow. That's ok though; you don't have to worry about skating if you don't want to, but you should keep up your stamina'.

'Yeah, ok', Yuri agreed, 'I can go for a run every morning'.

'Wait till the sun has risen though. Moscow can be a dangerous place at night'.

'You think i'm not aware of that, Nikiforov?'

'Sorry'.

'Fine though- i'll be careful when I go out'.

There was a brief silence.

'Are you looking forward to going home?' 

'I'll be happy when I get there'

'You're not happy now?'

'That's not what I said', Yuri groaned, 'It just seems like such a huge effort for the sake of 'recuperation''.

'Think about your Grandpa- he'll be so happy to see you'. 

Yuri gave a gentle, 'hmmm'. They had just arrived at the front gate to the onesen and Yuri was relieved to be able to get Viktor off his case at last.

'I will be checking in with your Grandfather, Yuri-', Viktor started cautiously. Yuri snapped.

'Oh for fuck's sake', he felt his heart rate increase, 'that happened over a month ago, will you get over it and let me live?'

'I know it happened a while ago, Yuri, but I also know that you're still not 100% yourself. You are incredibly lucky we didn't tell your Grandfather about it, legally we should've, fuck it- _morally_ we should have'.

Yuri couldn't recall the last time he'd heard Viktor swear so aggressively. Yuri turned to make his way up the steps to the house, but Viktor grabbed his arm. 

'Yuri, listen to me...', Viktor tried to suppress the anger and irritation that was beginning to boil.

'I will but please... later', Yuri had a desperate look in his eyes. He needed to get away- only for a little bit, but he could feel the anxiety rushing through his veins and he needed out. 'Let go'.

Viktor only gripped tighter, 'stop trying to-'.

'Viktor!' they both turned around. Yuuri had heard the commotion. He jogged down the stairs to take a closer look at the situation. One look at Yuri and he knew what was going on- he could see the panic in his eyes. 'Go to your room, Yuri, we'll talk in a bit'. Yuri mentally thanked him and took off up the stairs, without giving Viktor a second look. 

'Why would-'

'Shhh', Yuri warned, waiting for Yuri to shut the door before he continued, 'I have no idea what you were just fighting about but I could see he was on the edge of an attack; let him calm down and then speak to him.' Viktor hadn't noticed. 

He took a large exhale, 'I try to be supportive but he just throws it back in my face- all of our faces.'

'I don't think he realises-'

'It doesn't matter. Him being stressed isn't an excuse for him to be an asshole to the rest of us'. Viktor was worked up. It was a side of him Yuuri wasn't used to seeing. 

'And this is why it's so good he's going home tomorrow', Yuuri reassured, 'it'll be better, he'll be better'.

Yuri didn't take a minute to greet any of the Katsuki family upon entry, but rather ran up the stairs and slammed his door. Collapsing on his bed, he let out the breath he had been suppressing, and watched as his own chest raised and fell at a quick pace. If Viktor had just given him a minute it would've been fine. _Stupid Viktor..._

'I will tell him what you needed to tell him', Yuuri said softly.

'Fine', Viktor agreed, 'he needs to know that although his Grandfather doesn't know about his self-harming, he does know that he hasn't been well mentally, and that I have requested a daily update'.

'That's all you were going to tell him?'

'Yes?' Viktor questioned. 

'Then why did he react as he did?'

'He's been getting more and more defensive lately; Yuuko mentioned it a while ago'.

'When was this?'

'When we were in China. Apparently he had a nose-bleed and when Yuuko found some remnants on the ice he got really defensive; I guess he was worried she'd think it was... well...'

'When was the last time you checked him?'

'A couple of days ago: still nothing.'

'Maybe withdrawal is making him paranoid...'

'I can't cope with it much longer, Yuuri', Viktor admitted.

'Wait till next week; he'll be better', Yuuri repeated, giving Viktor a reassuring kiss on the cheek. 


	31. Chapter 31

A few minutes later, Yuri got a soft knock at his door; he'd calmed down but he still wasn't ready to talk to Viktor.

'Yuri, it's me, can I come in?' it was Katsuki. Yuri answered by opening the door himself then returning to his position on the edge of his bed. Yuuri sat beside him. 

'What happened?' he asked softly. 

'Got a bit overwhelmed I guess', Yuri shrugged his shoulders, 'he just needs to get off my case, i'm fine'.

'Are you though, Yuri?' Yuuri said carefully, 'I know that, _this_ may have stopped', he placed a hand gently on Yuri's arm, 'but I know that doesn't mean everything is suddenly better'.

Yuri didn't reply. Little did Katsuki know. 

'Do you miss it?' 

'What sort of question is that?'

'Well, do you?'

'No'

'That's good'.

Silence again. 

'I really came up here to pass on Viktor's message- it was just to say that your Grandfather is still unaware of what happened but he does know that you're... struggling.' Yuri cringed, his Grandfather didn't deserve the added stress of knowing that, 'him and Viktor will be talking everyday'.

'Fine'.

'Do you want to talk some more about..?'

'Nope', Yuri cut him off, 'it's fine'.

'Ok, well, I'll see you at dinner then'.

Yuri nodded. The thought of going to Moscow was becoming more ideal- _at least he could get away from those two there._

****************************************************************************************

'Well?' Viktor asked nervously.

'As expected', Yuri sat beside Viktor under the kotatsu, 'I asked him if he was ok and he kept saying he was fine- I passed on your message though'.

'I was going to keep this to myself as to keep my professionalism as a coach but I feel like I need to tell you this as my partner...', he started, Yuuri laced his fingers through Viktor's supportively, 'part of the reason I wanted to send Yuri home was to make a final decision on whether or not I can keep coaching him'.

Yuuri nodded, encouraging him to keep going. 

'I'm not equipped to deal with him and, I know he may have stopped what he's doing, but there's still obviously something wrong. He won't go to the counselling session with the English speaking nurse I found; he won't talk to any members of the family- there's nothing more I can do'. 

'So if he comes back unchanged..?'

'I'll have to send him back', Viktor said sadly. 

'I understand', Yuuri rubbed Viktor's shoulder, 'it will be the right decision if it comes to that'.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this following 24 hours without sleep so if there's spelling/ grammatical errors: you know why ;)


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